Friday, July 27, 2012

Apostle Paul Answers Your Questions

on pop theology, philosophy, theology, culture, pop culture, christianity

by Jonathan Harrison

The following advice column has been attributed to the Apostle Paul, but most experts think it was actually written by that anonymous guy who wrote 1 & 2 Timothy. Or it could be somebody else. It's also possible that we made it up entirely. Enjoy the inappropriately contextualized responses.

Dear Apostle Paul,

I’ve recently fallen for a girl in my youth group. Even though I’m only 14 and have a grade-school understanding of relationships, I’m pretty sure that God wants us to be together for the rest of our lives. She only knows my first name, I’ve only talked to her once in the past year, and she’s dating someone who’s old enough to have a license and drives a Ford Mustang. What can I do to let her know that we're meant to be? I already raise my hands during worship, but I don’t think this is enough.

Tim in Topeka

Dear Timothy,

Drink no longer water, but use a little wine for thy stomach's sake and thine often infirmities because she's not that into you.

St. Paul

Dear Apostle Paul,

I recently had to sing a solo in church. Halfway through the chorus, I passed out from nerves and tumbled down the five stairs leading up to the pulpit. The accident caused me to break my arm, and since that time no one in church has talked to me without laughing. What should I do?

Please help,
Infirmed in Indiana

Dear Infirmed,

Five times I received from the Jews thirty-nine lashes. Three times I was beaten with rods, once I was stoned, three times I was shipwrecked, a night and a day I have spent in the deep. I have been on frequent journeys, in dangers from rivers, dangers from robbers, dangers from my countrymen, dangers from the Gentiles, dangers in the city, dangers in the wilderness, dangers on the sea, dangers among false brethren; I have been in labor and hardship, through many sleepless nights, in hunger and thirst, often without food, in cold and exposure. Apart from such external things, there is the daily pressure on me of concern for all the churches.

So quit your whining, young women like you shouldn't even be speaking in church.

St. Paul

Dear Paul,

Yesterday I unknowingly passed the communion plates at church with my fly open. A few old ladies winked at me and a couple of the elders said that I desecrated the sacredness of the Lord’s supper and should be disfellowshipped for life. What should I do??? I’m now living on the streets because my parents kicked me out of the house. I didn’t even realize it!!!! Please, please help me.

Literarlly crying right now,
Embarrassed in Emporia, 

Dear Embarrassed,

For I do not want you to be ignorant of the fact, brothers and sisters, that our ancestors were all under the cloud and that they all passed through the sea. They were all baptized into Moses in the cloud and in the sea. They all ate the same spiritual food and drank the same spiritual drink; for they drank from the spiritual rock that accompanied them, and that rock was Christ. Nevertheless, God was not pleased with most of them; their bodies were scattered in the wilderness.

I think that pretty concisely answers your questions and isn't vague or difficult to understand at all.

St. Paul

The Apostle Paul is a first century missionary, saint, and martyr. When he isn't answering your questions about life, he enjoys traveling, sailing, and frisbee golf. You can read his other writings over at the Bible.

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