God Loves Honey Boo Boo Too

by Jonathan Harrison

Yesterday TLC premiered the Great Babylonian Whore of reality television: Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, which in my opinion doesn't deserve italics. Look on ye trailer mortals, and despair:

 

(dear Lord did she say "you better redneckognize"?)

Within the short time of thirty seconds, viewers are subjected to a distilled version of Toddlers and Tiaras, Jackass, The Beverly Hillbillies and Full House. While yours truly has too much self-respect to research the show any further, I'm pretty sure a great number of people will watch the Boo Boos on a weekly basis, and TLC, probably unbeknownst to the Boo Boos, will make a hefty wad of cash off the eccentricities of, let's hope, a lower-income family.

I know what you're thinking. "Jonathan. What has this to do with theology besides it being a disaster of biblical proportions?" Well. I'm not really sure. Shows like HCHBB tend to destroy everyone's faith in humanity, and I can't tell if that's because people can't a believe a family like the Boo Boos exist or that millions of people watch families like the Boo Boos on television and enjoy it.

Personally, I'm more shocked at the latter. Read a book or something people. Stare at the wall. Get a hobby. Volunteer somewhere. Get another degree. I don't know, maybe talk to your freaking grandmother in the nursing home for goodness sakes. That generation defeated Hitler. What have you done lately besides watch the reality show equivalent of the Great London Fire in slow motion? Yea.  That's what I thought.

Wait.  Where was I?

Let me try again. I tend to watch shows like HCHBB and think that Jesus came from Galilee which was more or less thought to be hicks-ville, and Galilee probably had a few families like the Boo Boos.

Of course, I then come to the conclusion that the people of Galilee were probably hard-working people and didn't teach their children to say "A dolla makes me holla" or some other inanity.  The people of Galilee probably had some self-respect, so I'm not even going to try to make that comparison.

I also see examples of shows such as HCHBB and wonder how much of a transformation Jesus or God would make in these people lives, but then I realize that the Boos Boos probably have a better church attendance track record than yours truly, and this realization makes me slowly raise my hand to the bartender at the end of a bar who, while drying a Collins glass with a pristine white rag, acknowledges my summons and gives me the slightest of nods.

He knows me. I'm a regular here. A regular at this bar built on the despair caused by reality shows, humanity, and the existence of The Learning Channel, which, ironically, has become a channel hell-bent on the dumbing-down of America.

I stare at the mirror behind the bar. I've gotten older. I've gained weight. I did not think I would ever be this way. I did not think it would ever happen to me. Floyd, that's his name, asks if I need a cab. I make no noise. Outside it is raining.

Jonathan Harrison just started a kickstarter college fund for Honey because she's probably going to need an education worse than any of us.  He writes over at driedhumor.wordpress.com occasionally.  He also writes a blog on Library Marketing but is not going to post the link because he knows none of you want to read that.