On The Things I Didn't Feel

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Two awesome little kids I met in Honduras

by Ben Howard

When I was a sophomore in college I went on a mission trip to Honduras over Spring Break. We did all the normal college mission trip things. We built houses and put on a local Vacation Bible School. We played with little kids and became weirdly talented at dealing with cement. Somewhere there is a picture of my 19-year-old self striking a body builder pose while several Honduran children dangle from my arms. It was pretty funny at the time.

I went back the next year too. We did a lot of the same things, played with the local kids, operated a little makeshift clinic, and I re-learned some of the Spanish I’d forgotten since high school.

But then we’d go home and all around me I’d hear people talking about how it had changed them and how they couldn’t wait to go back. Friends of mine would change their entire lives and move to foreign countries to keep doing that kind of work and they felt so much passion for it. I felt so proud of them and glad that they had something they loved so much, but then they’d ask me what I felt and I still felt the same.

I didn’t tell them I felt the same. More than likely I’d mirror back some of the more clichéd portions of whatever they had just said.  Oh yeah, life changing, really alters your perspective, my heart was moved, yep, that’s how it felt alright.

I didn’t feel bad, or angry, or dismissive. It’s not like I came home thinking that the children of the third world were mooching off their wonderful American benefactors. I just didn’t feel different. I was still the same me that left.

Is that bad? Am I the only one who felt that way?

This week I’ve been reflecting a lot on conversion experiences. In case you didn’t hear, the “Half” part of Two and a Half Men converted to Christianity. His name is Angus Jones. A video showed up on Monday where he says that his new believes don’t jive with the message of the show. He called his show “filth” and told all of his fans that they shouldn’t watch it anymore.

Not Kirk Cameron

I was thinking he might just be our next Kirk Cameron, but then the next day he came out and apologized to the cast and crew if he offended them. It’s a classy move. I applaud him for taking responsibility for what he said.

But it still made me think about these big dramatic conversion stories. I don’t think I have one of those. I don’t remember deciding to be a Christian. I don’t remember deciding to have faith or dedicate myself to the community of the church. I just realized one day that I was a Christian, I did have faith and I had dedicated myself.

Is that bad? Am I only one who feels this way?

Sometimes I feel like a bad Christian because I don’t experience Christianity in the same cathartic way that so many other people do. My faith didn’t arrive in a moment of brilliance. There was no “Aha” moment, just a slow and gradual emergence. I know I’ve grown a lot in the last five years, but if you asked me how, I’m not sure I could show you the way.

If you ask me if those trips to Honduras helped me become the person I am now, I would confidently say that they did. If you asked me how, I would shake my head and shrug because I honestly don’t know. They are part of the story of my life and my faith has developed out of that story.

Last night I got an email from a friend (who will probably read this) and in it he asked me about my spiritual journey. I tried to answer that question and tell that story for three hours before I ultimately threw up my hands and said, “I really don’t know, it just happened over time.”

I’d love to hear about your stories or if any of this resonates with you. Feel free to comment, it’d be great to start a conversation about these experiences.

Peace,

Ben

You can follow Ben on Twitter @BenHoward87 or email him at benjamin.howard87 [at] gmail.com.

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