The Things I Hate About Christmas the Least

by Jonathan Harrison

Look. I know what you're thinking.  This hipster is going to write about the "evils of commercialism" in 3000 words and talk about how he loved Christmas before Black Friday.  Blah, blah, blah.  Well, you're wrong.  I love commercialism   Commercialism is great.  Commercialism creates jobs and keeps the local systems in line.  Just today I went to Target and bought a whole bunch of stuff I didn't need because I love capitalism.  I literally bought a whole gallon of milk that I'm going to throw out in a week for the sake of being wasteful. I guess.  I don't know.  Anyways.

Don't get me wrong.  I love the birth of our Lord, but unless you've been in a cave the last 50 years of your life, you've probably noticed that December 25 has become anything but a religious holiday.  So don't firebomb me in the comments for declaring that I could do without a whole month of awkward gift giving, hours on the road, some of the worst music ever made and my family's unhealthy desire to spend as much time as possible together  in the smallest room of the smallest house in the smallest town in the Commonwealth of Kentucky.

I might even love Christmas if it was just a week off where you didn't have to do anything, but I'm getting to the point where familial obligations cause me to celebrate three Christmases.  That's Jesus being born three times.  How does that even work?  Does it even need explaining?  I'm amazed I even have to explain it.  I'm a scrooge.  I'm proud to be a scrooge and the most wonderful day of the year for me is December 26. 

BUT.  I'm going to keep with the spirit.  I am.  Right now.  I'm going to give you the top five things that I DON'T HATE about Christmas. Yes.  Here is what I don't hate about Christmas.

• New Year's Eve: Christmas is over.  Let's party. 
• This rendition of "Oh Holy Night":

• "DOMINICK THE DONKEY" OH MY GOODNESS IF CHRISTMAS WAS HALF THE HOLIDAY IT SHOULD BE THIS FREAKING SONG WOULD BE ON REPEAT ON EVERY WALMART FOR TWO AND HALF FREAKING MONTHS BUT YOU NEVER HEAR IT BECAUSE CHRISTMAS IS AWFUL.

• It's a Wonderful Life:  I cry. I admit it. I cry every time. 
• Dr. Who Christmas Special.
• Deforestation.
• Bing Crosby and David Bowie. "Hey can I use your piano?  Because I'm rock star that doesn't have access to one and that's not weird at all Bing. Oh.  I have a son."
• Boiled custard.
• Charlie Brown Christmas Special.
• Christmas tree cakes.

See?  I'm not such a scrooge after all. Ok.  I am.  God gave me these things to make it through.  19 days. 19 days. 19 days.

You can follow Jonathan on Twitter @jonateharrison.

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