Thursday, September 12, 2013

A Series of Outright Lies About the Bible

by Ben Howard

There's a lot of misinformation in the world today. Some argue that's simply the nature of the internet and the democratization of information itself. A lot of websites exist to fight the good fight and attempt to right these factual wrongs and a well-informed public is thankful for them. 

However, we're not one of those websites. So with the fundamental ethos of the internet in mind, we bring you A Series of Outright Lies About the Bible

1) Contrary to popular belief, the best way to absorb the Bible is through osmosis. Try placing a Bible under your pillow at night, or sitting on one during your daily commute.

2) All leather used in the making of leather-bound Bibles comes from a yearly ritual sacrifice performed on the Isle of Wight by the Knights Templar. This year Stephen Baldwin officiated at the ceremony and music was provided by noted jam-band the Spin Doctors.

3) Do not lick the pages of your Bible. Don't ask questions. You've been warned.

4) Various Biblical names translated into English:

- Ananias - to blathe, which is like bluffing in poker
- Timothy - a man named Timothy
- Titus - a vulgar word for shoe
- Thomas - Matthew Broderick
- Jeremiah - in the infinitive form: to sing an endless string of Morissey lyrics

5) All Psalms are written to be sung to the tune of "Tubthumping" by Chumbawumba, but set in a minor key.

6) In 1982 Stephen Sondheim reportedly optioned the rights to the Book of Leviticus for an future musical adaptation. When asked several years later about when the work would debut, Sondheim angrily retorted that the world wasn't ready for his masterpiece and announced that the play would not debut until he was resurrected from cryogenic slumber in April 2312.

7) According to legend, 16th-century French monks believed the genealogies to be the key in finding the elusive Fountain of Youth. But since they're not around today, they look pretty stupid. #Face

8) The Bible 2, a cinematic sequel to the original best-selling book, was released in 1977, but was universally panned by critics for it's unoriginal plotline and poor performances from a young Michelle Pfeiffer and Jim Vatrolta, a well-known John Travolta impersonator. However, Wilford Brimley's portrayal of the Devil served as the inspiration for Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.

9) After several instances of wild, rampaging Bibles mauling acolytes during the Byzantine empire, priests began the practice of chaining Bibles to the lectern for their own safety. Many priests were also lauded for their exemplary skills at "Bible whispering".


Ben Howard is an accidental iconoclast and generally curious individual living in Nashville, Tennessee. He is also the editor-in-chief of On Pop Theology and an avid fan of waving at strangers for no reason. You can follow him on Twitter @BenHoward87. 
You can follow On Pop Theology on Twitter @OnPopTheology or like us on Facebook at

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