Thursday, October 24, 2013

A Series of Outright Lies About Prayer

hands, praying, god, light, painting
by Ben Howard and Sebastian Faust

There's a lot of misinformation in the world today. Some argue that's simply the nature of the internet and the democratization of information itself. A lot of websites exist to fight the good fight in an attempt to right these factual wrongs and a well-informed public is thankful for them.

But we're not one of those websites. So with the fundamental ethos of the internet in mind, we bring you A Series of Outright Lies About Prayer.

1) Prayers are answered in the order they are received. However, legend tells of the magical talisman of St. George, hidden deep in the Sahara Desert, which allows the prayers of the bearer to leap to the front of the line while also bringing a plague of locusts down upon their enemies.

2) Preference to prayer in the syntax of Yoda, God has.

3) Martin Kalabash of Dubuque, Iowa is currently the world's #1 ranked pray-er. He has held the title since January 1, 2004 when his constant and pleading prayers led to a miraculous victory for his beloved Iowa Hawkeyes.

4) God only understands prayers in English. For the rest, he's just guessing.

5) According to economists, the prayer of a righteous man availeth much, while the prayer of a righteous woman availeth 75% as much.

6) Prayer is a non-renewable resource scattered in pockets all across the globe. The largest reserves can be found in Finland, Togo, and a small space-time fissure just outside Park City, Utah.

7) According to time machines, archaeologists in the future have discovered that certain sects of 21st century Christianity held to the notion that their deity was a tricksy and manipulative genie, likely azure in hue. Due to their use of the phrase, "Be careful what you pray for, you just might get it," we see that this deity was a capricious figure who took delight in twisting the words of his petitioners and wreaking havoc on their lives.
man, sitting, sunset, rock, praying, photo

8) If you don't pray, God can't see you. He's like a bat.

9) During coitus many are known to utter the phrases "Oh God" or "Oh Jesus." Contrary to popular belief, these are not prayers. God is disappointed in you and thinks sex is "super icky."

10) The creation account in Genesis was actually the result of an accident. God was merely talking to himself and inadvertently answered his own prayer.

Ben Howard is an accidental iconoclast and generally curious individual living in Nashville, Tennessee. He is also the editor-in-chief of On Pop Theology and an avid fan of waving at strangers for no reason. You can follow him on Twitter @BenHoward87. Sebastian Faust is an avowed heretic, armchair theologian, and a self-styled canary in the coal mine of pop culture. He takes life by the reins, bulls by the horns, and tigers by the tail, all while living in Nashville. You can't follow Sebastian on Twitter because he doesn't understand technology.

You can follow On Pop Theology on Twitter @OnPopTheology or like us on Facebook at

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