Friday, December 6, 2013

A Power Ranking of Various Kinds of Powers

Image by John
by Ben Howard

Sports writers have to fill a lot of column inches every week and there's only so many original ideas that you can come up with before you just start making lists of things. This gives rise to a weekly tradition of “Power Rankings” wherein people rank things subjectively even when they've already been ranked by objective measurements. We here at On Pop Theology wanted to take our own shot at totally subjective list-making, so we present you with a Power Ranking of Various Kinds of Powers.

20) Hour of Power – We have a policy at On Pop Theology that the last spot on every list must be occupied by a televangelist just for the fun of reminding you that televangelism was totally a thing. We introduced this policy today because we can, and reserve the right to revoke it in any situation where we wouldn't get to mock televangelism.

19) Power Rankings – You're reading this list so you can understand how useless these things are.

18) Powerball

17) Nintendo Power – Press Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right B A B A Start to unlock commentary on this classically useless magazine.

Image by Lambdachialpha
16) Power Tower – I'm including this on the list solely to brag about how Cedar Point was close to where I grew up and how we went all the time when I was a kid. #EndBragging

15) Powerpuff Girls

14) Powers Boothe – Who do you call when you need an actor to growl menacing lines in a southern drawl? Well, probably a lot of people, but if they're all busy call Powers Boothe.

13) Austin Powers

12) Bear Power – Have you ever seen a bear? Have you ever contemplated their powers? Think about it.

11) J.D. Power and Associates – This rating is seriously buoyed by the mysterious nature of these “associates” teamed with my very active imagination.

10) Power Rangers

T-8) Executive Powers/Power of the Purse – These two are stronger in theory. The theory being that government is incredibly powerful, while the fact is that no one particularly cares or trusts any of the people involved. Hooray America!

7) PowerPoint – This isn't Huffington Post so this Power Ranking isn't a slide show. You're welcome.

Image by Patrik Theander
6) Electrical Power

5) Horsepower – Somewhere, in a vast underground bunker deep in the heart of Wyoming, there is a lab full of scientists in crisp white coats whose research consists entirely of measuring the pulling power of various combinations and numbers of horses for the benefit of the human race. Without their tireless efforts how could we know that my microwave has seven horsepower. Thank you scientists!

4) Superpowers

3) The Powers That Be – None of powers on the list so far have the ability to topple these purveyors of oppression and...umm...powerfulness? But there is hope...

2) Our Powers Combined – Yes, kids Captain Planet was right and one of the most powerful forces in the universe, even greater than Power Rangers and PowerPoint, is the might of all our powers combined. But what's the key ingredient of all our powers combined...

1) (That's) The Power of Love – Who knows even more about power than Captain Planet? That's right, Huey Lewis and his culpable sidekicks, The News. These servicable 80's rockers knew that our only chance against The Powers That Be was the potent combination of Our Powers Combined and The Power of Love. Because it don't take money, it don't take fame, don't take no credit cards to ride this train. Heart!

Ben Howard is an accidental iconoclast and generally curious individual living in Nashville, Tennessee. He is also the editor-in-chief of On Pop Theology and an avid fan of waving at strangers for no reason. You can follow him on Twitter @BenHoward87.  

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