Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Which Christian Celebrity Are You?

by Rebekah Mays

Lately, Buzzfeed has been taking up way too much of our time with all those darned quizzes, when we should be meditating on more lasting things during this period of Lent. Instead of fighting the urge, take this spiritually educational quiz that will tell you which influential Christian you most resemble. Answers are at the bottom, so no stealing glances! 

1.    Which superhero would you be? 

a. Superman – First things first: your hair is flawless. But you also firmly believe in the fundamental goodness of people, and that dreams and determination can stop no one.
b. Wonder Woman – Others may underestimate you because you’re a woman, but you’re a fierce opponent and have a thing or two to teach the boys’ club that is the Justice League.
c. Dr. Manhattan – You are powerful. Smart. Dangerous. And you don’t like to wear many clothes.
d. Spiderman – New York City is your home. You are particularly adept at sneaking away after a church service … err, a fight, so that no one will discover your true identity.
e. Ironman - You’ve got a lip on you and don’t always play well with others. You can get away with it, though, because you have the resources to take everyone else out.
f. Robin Hood – You’re willing to go up against dangerous enemies to ensure justice and provision for the poor. Plus, you’re simply adorable.

2.    Where would you most likely go on vacation?

a. A nice quiet place where I can crack open Calvin’s Institutes
b. A nude beach, because, where else would you go?
c. Oahu. I'd rent the island of Oahu.
d. Yellowstone National Park with its beautiful natural scenery.
e. A hospital in Calcutta, tending the ill and impoverished
f. Any time spent with my hottie of a wife is vacation!

3.    What's your drink?

a. A Chai Latte
b. A modest vino rosso
c. It depends. I wouldn't want to cause my brother or sister to stumble.
d. A Bud Light
e. I don’t drink. But something healthy, like naturally sweetened orange juice to preserve my beautiful teeth.
f. Vodka. It helps me be more sensitive to the spirit.

4.    Which of these quotes would you most likely say?

a. “War never again! Never again war!”
b. “If you really want to be a rebel get a job, cut your grass, read your Bible, and shut up.
c. “Poems were never meant to be forced into commands.”
d. “The gospel is this: We are more sinful and flawed in ourselves than we ever dared believe, yet at the very same time we are more loved and accepted in Jesus Christ than we ever dared hope.”
e. “Keep doing the right. God is building character in you, and you are passing that test. Remember, the greater the struggle, the greater the reward.”
f. "When Jesus was born he was naked."

Now tally up your points…

    A – 2, B – 5, C – 1, D – 4, E – 3, F – 6
2.    A – 4, B – 1, C – 2, D – 5, E – 6, F – 3
3.    A – 5, B – 6, C – 4, D – 3, E – 2, F – 1
4.    A – 6, B – 3, C – 5, D – 4, E – 2, F – 1

And here are the results!

4-5 - You are the pastor of a White Tail Chapel, AKA Nude Church Guy! Congratulations! In your opinion, society places too many expectations (and clothes) on people when they're worshipping Jesus. Your following may be small, but your little bare-butted chapel in Virginia is growing every day. Keep the faith, naked man.

6–10 - You are Joel Osteen, mega-church pastor from Houston, Texas. Your gleaming smile is a shining beacon that draws multitudes to your message of faith and positive thinking. And who knows? Maybe if they pray hard enough, they'll get a 10.5 million dollar mansion, too!

11-14 - You are Mark Driscoll, the truth-tellin', wife-lovin' pastor of Mars Hill Church in Seattle. Riling people up is what Jesus was all about, and you're faithful to his call. The more pansies who write you off, the more it proves you’re doing something right. (You also manage to talk about sex in almost every sermon. Up top, bro!)

15-19 - You are Tim Keller, founding pastor of Redeemer Presbyterian in New York. You love yourself some reformed theology, as well as three-point sermons that always, always tie back to The Cross. Your church is massive, a well-oiled machine, but your sermons are personal and you manage to make your congregants think you like them. Suckers.

20-21 - You are Rachel Held-Evans, blogger and author of "A Year of Biblical Womanhood." You're a self-described skeptic and fall on the more liberal spectrum of theology. At the same time, you often try to extend an olive branch to your conservative Christian comrades. They usually take it, break it, and stomp on it vigorously. Don't let the haters get you down.

22-24 - You are Pope Francis, and everything about you is delightful. You still don’t know how this happened, but you’re the most talked-about person on the Internet. But despite your fuzzy demeanor, you are one of the most powerful people in the world, and have the chance to bring about real change and reform. Do what you know is right. 

Rebekah Mays is a Barnard College graduate originally from Austin, Texas. She currently works and writes in Prague, Czech Republic. You can find more of her writing on her blog The Prague BLOG or follow her on Twitter @smallbeks.

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