Friday, January 31, 2014

A Series of Outright Lies About the Eucharist

by Ben Howard and Sebastian Faust

There's a lot of misinformation in the world today. Some argue that's simply the nature of the internet and the democratization of information itself. A lot of websites exist to fight the good fight in an attempt to right these factual wrongs and a well-informed public is thankful for them. 

But we're not one of those websites. So with the fundamental ethos of the internet in mind, we bring you A Series of Outright Lies About the Eucharist.

1) In a brilliant act of product placement, Thomas Bramwell Welch, founder of Welch’s, built a time machine which he used to travel back to the Last Supper where he replaced the traditional Passover wine with his family’s anachronistic grape juice.

2) Communion wafers are not only a delicious way to ingest your savior, they are also perfect ammunition for the Nerf Disc Gun.

3) The Eucharist was moved to the end of liturgical services after church leaders received numerous complaints from parishioners about drunk priests delivering homilies where they repeatedly pointed at the cross while slurring, “That guy, I love that guy!”

4) Communion wafers are called the Bread of Heaven because Heaven has instituted heavy trade restrictions on both yeast and any kind of flour that would make bread taste “not-cardboardy.”

5) There is absolutely no connection between the Eucharist’s focus on consuming the blood of Christ and the modern fascination with vampires so STOP ASKING QUESTIONS!

6) According to the Dictionary of Nebulous Theological Terms, intinction is defined as the sprinkling of fairy dust into Eucharistic wine. It's generally held to be salvific, but no one is quite sure how. Also, fairies are real, deal with it.

7) Jesus may have been able to turn water into wine, but if you get a little bit of salsa, I’ll bet you can turn communion wafers into nachos.

8) If ever a drop of the Eucharistic wine is spilled from the chalice, Zombie Christ will arise, a 20 foot tall colossus, and he will turn his darkened visage upon the culprit and bring down the heat of a hundred suns as retribution for disturbing his peaceful slumber. Then he will turn his vengeance upon the world and he will reign forever and ever amen! Muahahahahaha!

9) The secret of transubstantiation, like all good magic tricks, will never be revealed. But it almost certainly has something to do with mirrors.

10) In a stunning announcement that rocked the dietary world, theologians have discovered that the true means of grace in the Eucharist is the gluten contained within the wafers. According to Dr. James Moss of Duke Divinity School, “not only is gluten delicious, it is also divine.” 

Image via Jonathunder

Ben Howard is an accidental iconoclast and generally curious individual living in Nashville, Tennessee. He is also the editor-in-chief of On Pop Theology and an avid fan of waving at strangers for no reason. You can follow him on Twitter @BenHoward87.  

Sebastian Faust is an avowed heretic, armchair theologian, and a self-styled canary in the coal mine of pop culture. He takes life by the reins, bulls by the horns, and tigers by the tail, all while living in Nashville. You can't follow Sebastian on Twitter because he doesn't understand technology. 

You can follow On Pop Theology on Twitter @OnPopTheology or like us on Facebook at If you'd like to support what we do, you can donate via the button on the right of the screen.
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