Tuesday, February 4, 2014

God Announces His Retirement After Seahawks Flout His Will

by Ben Howard

In a shocking press conference this morning, God, almighty deity and creator of the universe, resigned from his position as Supreme Lord of All, effective immediately. In a prepared statement, God attributed his resignation to increasing disillusionment with his public image in contrast to his actual day-to-day activities.

During a short question and answer session with reporters, God admitted that his decision was influenced, in part, by Sunday’s Super Bowl blowout. “Anyone who knows Me knows that I’m a Broncos fan. I’ve always been a Broncos fan. Why do you think I sent Tim Tebow there in the first place?” said the frustrated deity. “I tried to help them. It was My will that the Broncos win, but I just couldn’t work through them the way I wanted to. It was embarrassing. Here I am, the Almighty One, and I can’t keep My favorite team from choking in the big game.”

When asked about Seahawks’ quarterback Russell Wilson’s postgame comments, where he attributed the win to God, the deity was visibly irked. “Look! I love it when people say how good I am in interviews, who wouldn’t? But right then, it really felt like a slap in the face. First, you flout My will and then you thank Me for helping you? That’s just insulting.”

God did not mention any immediate post-retirement plans, but if a certain 90’s pop song is any indication, he will soon be dressing in a slovenly manner and riding the bus for most of the day. At night, he will perhaps call up the Pope with whom he is known to have a good friendship.

A search committee will be formed to take over God’s former post as Supreme Lord of All; insiders suggest that Beyonce is currently the leading candidate. Other names reported to be under consideration are Morgan Freeman, and fictional characters Aslan and Doctor Who.

Ben Howard is an accidental iconoclast and generally curious individual living in Nashville, Tennessee. He is also the editor-in-chief of On Pop Theology and an avid fan of waving at strangers for no reason. You can follow him on Twitter @BenHoward87. 

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