Thursday, March 27, 2014

A Series of Outright Lies About Millennials

millennial, graffiti, irony, wow, entitlement
by Ben Howard and Sebastian Faust

There's a lot of misinformation in the world today. Some argue that's simply the nature of the internet and the democratization of information itself. A lot of websites exist to fight the good fight in an attempt to right these factual wrongs and a well-informed public is thankful for them. 

But we're not one of those websites. So with the fundamental ethos of the internet in mind, we bring you A Series of Outright Lies About Millennials.

1) The mascot of the millennial generation is an ocelot named Baby Joshua who spends his days half drunk on artisinal whiskey. He lives on a front porch on what used to be the bad side of town and he marches in the annual Arbor Day parade.

2) The Tea Party rise to power is actually attributable to the votes of millennials who thought they were “just kidding around.”

3) All children of the millennial generation are robots sent from the future by Skynet. After the failure of the Terminators, Skynet decided that force was unnecessary and that society could be more efficiently destroyed by ennui and lowered expectations.

4) This list is completely organic and was raised on a free-range list farm.

5) Millennials ironically love Pauly Shore so much that it has been known to raise his core body temperature as much as two degrees.

6) If you're a millennial, you read this list before it ever existed in my mind and have therefore destroyed the fabric of space and time and pose a danger to us all. Please stop reading.

7) Why are you still reading this? Your reckless disregard for humanity has doomed us all to non-existence.

8) You prick.

9) A majority of millennials are cynical about the potential future of the world. When asked about this cynicism, the generation responded that they were both fully aware of the problems and felt like they were capable of solutions, but they were just really tired and had been meaning to catch up on Orange Is The New Black.

10) The real reason that millennials have been leaving the church is because empty churches are just, like, you know, cooler.

11) While this list was raised in an upper middle class environment, it speaks on behalf of the entire generation. It is capable of this feat because it once took a women's studies class and has watched The Wire at least three times.

12) Many researchers have speculated that if Zack Galifianakis were to ever achieve full self-awareness he would unlock the understanding of the entire generation. May the day come quickly. Namaste.

13) In the two minutes you've spent reading this list, 144 craft beers have been invented and that one smug friend of yours has tasted all of them.

14) In a unique moment of cultural appropriation, the demographic group known as the Nones have decided to don habits and live in convents. There is no word on whether or not they have begun to hit each other with rulers. 

Ben Howard is an accidental iconoclast and generally curious individual living in Nashville, Tennessee. He is also the editor-in-chief of On Pop Theology and an avid fan of waving at strangers for no reason. You can follow him on Twitter @BenHoward87.  

Sebastian Faust is an avowed heretic, armchair theologian, and a self-styled canary in the coal mine of pop culture. He takes life by the reins, bulls by the horns, and tigers by the tail, all while living in Nashville. You can't follow Sebastian on Twitter because he doesn't understand technology. 

You can follow On Pop Theology on Twitter @OnPopTheology or like us on Facebook at If you'd like to support what we do, you can donate via the button on the right of the screen.

Image Credit to Mark and Andrea Busse 
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