Two weeks ago I set the stage for the Denominational
Dominion Tournament of Championships by announcing the rosters for the four
teams. Now, on the eve of the Final Four, I bring you the conclusion of the
Tournament. Click here for a breakdown of the teams.
Semifinal #1: Anglican
Avengers vs. Evangelical Evolutionaries
PG Queen
Elizabeth II Rachel
Held Evans
SG Desmond
Tutu Rob
Bell
SF George
Washington Francis
Chan
PF N.T.
Wright Mark
Driscoll
C Henry
VIII John
Piper
The Avengers start off the game slow, though that should
probably be expected when the youngest player, Wright, is 64, and two of his
teammates, Washington and Henry VIII, are long deceased. After shaking off the
rust commensurate with being an octogenarian, a series of three’s from the
excitable Tutu and the crafty ball-handling of Elizabeth 2.0 eventually spark
some life in the ancient legs of the Anglicans.
In stark contrast to the slow and creaky Avengers, the
Evolutionaries came out firing on all-cylinders. Bell led the team in scoring
with a series of impressive drives to the basket reasserting his role as the
team’s creative force. Chan tried his best to match Bell’s production point for
point, while Evans ran the point with grace and style, though perhaps giving
too much deference to Queen Elizabeth when playing defense.
Driscoll provided a bit of controversy near the end of the
first half after he threw down a powerful dunk over the top of Henry VIII.
Immediately after the play, Driscoll got in Henry’s face and began screaming, “Henry
VIII, you are, you are what?!?” earning himself a technical foul for taunting.
The second half marked a stark contrast to the first. The
enthusiasm of the Evangelicals began to wane after an inner-squad altercation
between Evans and Driscoll about whether or not Evans was allowed to shoot. The
discord continued when Piper loudly proclaimed that he no longer believed that
Evans and Bell were part of his team and refused to pass the ball to them for
the rest of the half.
Piper’s play descended even more as he stopped playing
offense entirely and simply stood under the opposing team’s basket waiting to
block their shots while repeating gibberish phrases about protecting “authority”.
In addition to the team-wide meltdown, Driscoll was ejected
after he earned his second technical by viciously throwing a basketball at
George Washington’s face while screaming, “Dodgeball is a man’s sport!”
The composed maturity of the Anglican team allowed them to
simply stick to their game plan and take advantage of the brutal unraveling of
the Evangelicals. Tutu and Wright eventually offered Bell and Evans refuge on
the Anglican team, thus leaving the Evangelical team with only a terrified Chan
and a rabid Piper. This dramatic advantage lead the Anglican team to score the
final 45 points of the game, including a series of inspired dunks from N.T.
Wright.
Henry VIII sparked a bit of controversy after the game when
he immediately wed three of the cheerleaders. However, the next morning two of
the three were annulled when Henry found out that modern customs do not allow
you to behead or imprison your wives when they don’t give you children.
Semifinal #2: Mainline
Marauders vs. Catholic Crushers
PG John Wesley Pope Francis I
SG Hillary
Clinton Dorothy Day
SF Barack
Obama Thomas Aquinas
PF Martin
Luther Augustine of
Hippo
C John
Calvin Gregory the
Great
The battle between the Catholic Crushers and the Mainline
Marauders was a tense and touchy contest between two historic rivals. The
Crushers played well in the first half, but had a difficult time finding enough
offense to counter the relentless firepower of the Marauders. Pope Francis I
(aka Air Pope) showcased a versatile, crowd-inspiring style of play that
vividly showed the differences between he and his more seasoned teammates.
 |
| The DDTC Trophy: An Angel Fish |
The Marauders, on the other hand, formed an interesting
blend, with the fiery, explosive temperament of Martin Luther, who received a
technical in the first half for the yelling at Francis and Gregory that they
were incarnations of the antichrist. Luther’s rhetoric eventually settled down
a bit after Calvin took him aside to say that the Marauders were “predestined
for victory.”
In addition, there was a small scuffle between Clinton and
Obama about who was really the most qualified to be team captain, with Clinton arguing that the team would much rather call her at 3 in the morning than
Obama. Obama responded to this criticism by hitting three straight long threes and
then ferociously dunking over Thomas Aquinas. Clinton eventually conceded
the point.
The second half continued much the like the first. While the
Crushers were comprised by a litany of great defenses, they were eventually
overrun by the forces of Mainline Protestantism primarily lead by Luther and
Calvin, assisted by the irascible John Wesley.
After the game, Barack Obama was named the MVP of the game
which drew a chorus of boos from the Evangelical fans remaining in the arena
who thought that Obama should have been ineligible since they don’t believe he’s
actually a Christian. The booing led to a small confrontation in which Luther
called the fans every insult that he’d ever thought of and destroyed their very
souls from the inside out dooming them to an eternity in hell. Calvin said this
was also predestined.
The Championship: Anglican
Avengers vs. Mainline Marauders
In one of the strangest twists in the history of fictional
religious basketball, these two teams spent the first 10 minutes of the game
staring at each other in confusion as they tried to decide whether or not they
were on the same team. John Wesley awkwardly attempted to score a basket at one
point in the game, but was unsure who he was trying to score the basket for and
began to cry at mid-court.
The awkwardness and confusion of the game ended when Desmond
Tutu gave Wesley a big bear hug and told him that everything would be okay. This
led to Tutu hugging everyone on the court and eventually everyone in the entire building.
Finally, Luther rolled in a keg and the whole thing just became one big
party highlighted by a stirring duet of Let It Be with N.T. Wright and Queen Elizabeth II. At one point after many beers, Luther challenged Henry VIII
to a fist fight during which Henry knocked Luther unconscious. When he came to,
Luther hugged Henry and declared him to be a “good friend.”
Thanks for joining us at the Denominational Dominion
Tournament of Championships!
Peace,
Ben
Ben
Howard is an accidental iconoclast (see!) and generally curious individual
living in Nashville, Tennessee. He is also the editor-in-chief of On Pop
Theology and an avid fan of waving at strangers for no reason. You can
follow him on Twitter @BenHoward87.
You can follow On Pop Theology on Twitter @OnPopTheology or like us on Facebook at www.facebook.com/OnPopTheology.
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