Bad Music Theology: "Dark Horse" by Katy Perry (feat. Juicy J)

by Ben Howard

Every so often I come across a pop song so catchy that I can't stop listening to it, but with lyrics so terrible that I hate myself every time I press play. Such is the case with "Dark Horse" by Katy Perry and Juicy J.

Since I can't seem to stop listening to this bizarre song, I've decided to do the next best thing: wildly re-interpret it using theological language that has almost no connection to the intended reality of the song. Follow me as we over-interpret, under-interpret, make associations based on the most tangential of evidence and generally wreck Holy Havoc on this pop music phenomena.

This is Bad Music Theology. 

(If you must, you can listen to the song here, but I wouldn't.)

[Juicy J:]
Yeah
Ya'll know what it is
Katy Perry
Juicy J, aha.
Let's rage

All good pop-music based theology deserves a proper hype-man. Here Juicy J provides us with an introduction to the deity known as Katy Perry. Juicy J performs his role as a kind of Moses-figure bridging the divide between the untouchable, and possibly dangerous deity, and we the people who will follow her. Let us rage.

[Katy Perry:]
I knew you were
You were gonna come to me
And here you are
But you better choose carefully
‘Cause I, I’m capable of anything
Of anything and everything

The Deity Known As Katy Perry enters the scene. She reinforces the inevitability that we would come to her, that she knew we would come to seek her out. However, she is careful to warn us that we should be careful about making a covenant with her as she is all powerful and “capable of anything/Of anything and everything”. In historical terms, this may be a reference to the Israelites fleeing Egypt and encountering God on Mt. Sinai. These final lines must then be read as allusions to the plagues which had been brought down upon Egypt. Capable of anything indeed.

Make me your Aphrodite
Make me your one and only
But don’t make me your enemy, your enemy, your enemy

The Second Commandment of The Deity Known As Katy Perry: “You shall not make for yourself a pop star, or any likeness of a pop star that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. You shall not bow down to them or listen to them, for I the Katy Perry your Deity am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and the fourth generation of those who did not buy my record, but showing steadfast love to thousands of those who love me and attend my concerts.”

So you wanna play with magic
Boy, you should know what you're falling for
Baby do you dare to do this?
Cause I’m coming at you like a dark horse
Are you ready for, ready for
A perfect storm, perfect storm
Cause once you’re mine, once you’re mine
There’s no going back

The Deity (Known As Katy Perry) lays out her ultimatum for the pseudo-Israelites of this song. If they want to play with “magic,” then they must be aware of what they are committing themselves to. They must count the cost and decide whether they dare to accept the offer, for if they back out, the God Katy Perry will come at them like a dark horse, obviously an allusion to the curses at the end of the covenant. (Disease, death, captivity, the barren fields, etc.)

The Katy Perry, thy God, descends upon Sinai in a perfect storm... and it really is perfect. Lightning crashes down, fire pours down the slopes, earthquakes shake the foot of the mountain.

Only one question remains: Are they ready for a perfect storm? For there is no going back.

Mark my words
This love will make you levitate
Like a bird
Like a bird without a cage
But down to earth
If you choose to walk away, don’t walk away

God also promises her people that if they commit to her, she will “make [them] levitate/like a bird/like a bird without a cage.” She shall bear them on the wings of eagles. However, if they choose to abandon her loving embrace, well... they really should know better than to make such a cataclysmic decision.

It’s in the palm of your hand now baby
It’s a yes or no, no maybe
So just be sure before you give it all to me
All to me, give it all to me

It is up the people, only they can choose whether or not they will follow God/Katy Perry. They must be certain of their choice though, because the consequences of giving less than 100% could be dire. There is no maybe.

So you wanna play with magic
Boy, you should know what you're falling for
Baby do you dare to do this?
Cause I’m coming at you like a dark horse
Are you ready for, ready for
A perfect storm, perfect storm
Cause once you’re mine, once you’re mine (love trippin')
There’s no going back

The Deity Known As Katy Perry once again reinforces her power and might. She repeats the offer for the people. If they wish to be blessed by her deified self and “play with magic” then they should be aware of what they are in for. Once again they are told that “there is no going back.” This is the Sinai moment for the quasi-Israelites.

[Juicy J - Rap Verse]
Uh
She’s a beast
I call her Karma (come back)
She eats your heart out
Like Jeffrey Dahmer (woo)
Be careful
Try not to lead her on
Shorty’s heart is on steroids
Cause her love is so strong

It is at this crucial moment in time that Juicy J enters the frame as one part Greek Chorus and one part Mosaic leader. He reasserts the power and danger of the deity in question, but also notes the upside of committing to her since “Shorty’s heart is on steroids/Cause her love is so strong.”

You may fall in love
When you meet her
If you get the chance you better keep her
She's sweet as pie but if you break her heart
She'll turn cold as a freezer
That fairy tale ending with a knight in shining armor
She can be my Sleeping Beauty
I’m gon’ put her in a coma

Once again The Juicy One reasserts the conflation of awe-some power, might, and danger with the wonder and majesty of God/Katy Perry. He says that the people may not even have a choice for they may “fall in love/When [they] meet her.” Yet there is always the possibility that “She’ll turn cold as a freezer.” Scholars are split on the final lines of Mr. J, some seeing it as a fairytale ending and others viewing as a subversion of the patriarchal fairytale form.

Woo!
Damn I think I love her
Shorty so bad, I’m sprung and I don’t care
She ride me like a roller coaster
Turned the bedroom into a fair (a fair!)
Her love is like a drug
I was tryna hit it and quit it
But lil' mama so dope
I messed around and got addicted

The highly sexualized imagery used by Juicy J in reference to God is used to highlight the intimacy and union of the people with The Deity Known As Katy Perry. Moses/Juicy also warns the people from trying to use God for temporary reasons since he had once entered the relationship thinking the same. He too was “tryna hit it and quit it/But lil’ mama so dope/I messed around and got addicted.”

So you wanna play with magic
Boy, you should know what you're falling for (you should know)
Baby do you dare to do this?
Cause I’m coming at you like a dark horse (like a dark horse)
Are you ready for, ready for (ready for)
A perfect storm, perfect storm (a perfect storm)
Cause once you’re mine, once you’re mine (mine)
There’s no going back

The Deity Known As Katy Perry once more repeats her offering to the people along with her warning. Do they want to play with magic? Do they know what they’re falling for? Once the people have made their choice, there is no going back.

Baby do you dare to do this?

Ben Howard is an accidental iconoclast and generally curious individual living in Nashville, Tennessee. He is also the editor-in-chief of On Pop Theology and an avid fan of waving at strangers for no reason. You can follow him on Twitter @BenHoward87. 

You can follow On Pop Theology on Twitter @OnPopTheology or like us on Facebook at www.facebook.com/OnPopTheology. If you'd like to support what we do, you can donate via the button on the right of the screen.

Image Credits:
Image #1 via Liam Mendes
Image #2 via Wikipedia
Image #3 via oouinouin
Image #4 via James West
  

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• Bad Music Theology: "Timber" by Pitbull (feat. Ke$ha)
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Bad Music Theology: "Timber" by Pitbull (feat. Ke$ha)

by Ben Howard 

Every so often I come across a pop song so catchy that I can't stop listening to it, but with lyrics so terrible that I hate myself every time I press play. Such is the case with "Timber" by Pitbull and Ke$ha.

Since I can't seem to stop listening to this bizarre song, which I can only assume is about sexy lumberjacks felling trees in dance clubs, I've decided to do the next best thing: wildly re-interpret it using theological language that has almost no connection to the intended reality of the song. Follow me as we over-interpret, under-interpret, make associations based on the most tangential of evidence and generally wreck Holy Havoc on this pop music phenomena.

This is Bad Music Theology. 

(If you must, you can listen to the song here, but I wouldn't.)

[Ke$ha]
It's going down, I'm yelling timber
You better move, you better dance
Let's make a night you won't remember
I'll be the one you won't forget 

As the song begins, Ke$ha sets the stage for our tale. She serves as a type of Greek chorus, foreshadowing the epic confrontation we are about to witness. “It’s going down” she announces. She tells us that our movement and dancing are imperative for this will be a night we won’t remember and this bodily act of worship will be required. 

Wooooah (timber), wooooah (timber), wooooah (it's going down)
Wooooah (timber), wooooah (timber), wooooah (it's going down) 

Here we find the hallelujah-call of the dance floor being repeated again and again. Interspersed are repeated mentions of the word “timber.” But to what does this word refer? I can only suggest that it is a reference to the wood idols and altars that will fall in the presence of the Lord. 

[Pitbull]
The bigger they are, the harder they fall
These big-iddy boys are dig-gidy dogs
I have 'em like Miley Cyrus, clothes off
Twerking in their bras and thongs, timber
Face down, booty up, timber
That's the way we like to–what?–timber
I'm slicker than an oil spill
She say she won't, but I bet she will, timber 

As Elijah once served as a prophet and interlocutor for the Lord, here Pitbull takes his place as the prophet of the Almighty. Clearly this song is a reinterpretation of Elijah’s confrontation with the prophets of Baal in 1 Kings 18.

He mocks the size and scope of the clergy opposing him, rejoicing in the victory he will claim over the “big-iddy boys” and “dig-gidy dogs.” Next he mocks the way in which he will reveal the failures and faults of their gods in the face of the Lord. He finds them to be “Twerking in their bras and thongs,” clearly a reference to their priestly vestments and the sandals which shod their feet.

He repeats the word “timber” over and over again, reinforcing the way in which their idols and altars of wood will fall. The “say she won’t,” but the ever-confident prophet Pitbull, “bet she will.” Timber indeed. 

Swing your partner round and round
End of the night, it's going down
One more shot, another round
End of the night, it's going down
Swing your partner round and round
End of the night, it's going down
One more shot, another round
End of the night, it's going down 

Pitbull offers these false prophets one final chance. He allows them to call upon their gods a final time, to try and wake them. He calls after them to “swing your partner round and round” for this is the “end of the night” and “it’s going down.” Even after they initially fail, he allows them “one more shot, another round.”  

[Ke$ha]
It's going down, I'm yelling timber
You better move, you better dance
Let's make a night you won't remember
I'll be the one you won't forget

It's going down (it's going down), I'm yelling timber
You better move (you better move), you better dance (you better dance)
Let's make a night you won't remember
I'll be the one you won't forget (you won't forget) 

Once more our Ke$ha, our Greek chorus, returns to reinforce the message to the audience. The moment of anticipation has come, the audience should be on its feet to “move” and “dance.” She repeats the call, building the tension of the story. Tonight is a night they will not want to forget! 

Wooooah (timber), wooooah (timber), wooooah (it's going down)
Wooooah (timber), wooooah (timber), wooooah (it's going down) 

Hallelujah for the Lord is coming to conquer the false gods and the false prophets

[Pitbull]
Look up in the sky, it's a bird, it's a plane
Nah, it's just me, ain't a damn thing changed
Live in hotels, swing on planes
Blessed to say, money ain't a thing
Club jumping like LeBron now, Volí
Order me another round, homie
We about to clown. Why? 'Cause it's about to go down 

Here we find Pitbull in his prophetic role speaking on behalf of the Almighty. He beckons us to “look up in the sky.” And what do we find there? Is it a bird, a plane (clearly a prophetic anachronism)? No, “it’s just me” the I AM and “ain’t a damn thing changed.”

He mocks the luxury of the false prophets who “live in hotels” and “swing on planes,” for in the eyes of the Lord “money ain’t a thing.” He asks his “homie,” who one assumes to be his prophet Pitbull, to “order another round.” This can only be an order to pour out the water to be used in the sacrifice because “it’s about to go down.” 

Swing your partner round and round
End of the night, it's going down
One more shot, another round
End of the night, it's going down
Swing your partner round and round
End of the night, it's going down
One more shot, another round
End of the night, it's going down 

Pitbull offers the sacrifice, swinging round and round in celebration at the presence of the Lord. It is now “going down.” The moment of the Lord’s presence has arrived

[Ke$ha]
It's going down, I'm yelling timber
You better move, you better dance
Let's make a night you won't remember
I'll be the one you won't forget

It's going down (it's going down), I'm yelling timber
You better move, you better dance (you better dance)
Let's make a night (let's make a night) you won't remember
I'll be the one (I'll be the one) you won't forget (you won't forget) 

Ke$ha returns once again to lead the audience in exalting the greatness and majesty of the Lord. He has conquered the false prophets and proved himself to the mighty. It has gone down. We are yelling timber! Move! Dance! 

Wooooah wooooah (hey), wooooah (it's going down)
Wooooah wooooah (timber), wooooah (it's going down)

Wooooah (timber), wooooah, wooooah (it's going down)
Wooooah (timber), wooooah (you won't forget), wooooah (timber) 

A final round of exultant “Hallelujahs” from the dance floor! Amen. 

Ben Howard is an accidental iconoclast and generally curious individual living in Nashville, Tennessee. He is also the editor-in-chief of On Pop Theology and an avid fan of waving at strangers for no reason. You can follow him on Twitter @BenHoward87. 

You can follow On Pop Theology on Twitter @OnPopTheology or like us on Facebook at www.facebook.com/OnPopTheology. If you'd like to support what we do, you can donate via the button on the right of the screen.

Image Credits:
Image #1 via Eva Rinaldi 
Image #2 via Peter Neill 
Image #3, a Greek Orthodox Icon
Image #4 via Eva Rinaldi
  

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Bad Music Theology: "Blurred Lines" by Robin Thicke (feat. Pharrell and T.I.)

by Ben Howard

Every so often I come across a pop song so catchy that I can't stop listening to it, but with lyrics so terrible that I hate myself every time I press play. Such is the case with "Blurred Lines" by Robin Thicke. I'm contractually obligated at this point to mention that Robin is the son of TV's Alan Thicke (He's Canadian!) making him the almost-brother of uber-conservative crazy person Kirk Cameron. The 80's were fun.

Since I can't seem to stop listening to Robin Thicke's misogynistic ode to sexing up the ladies, I've decided to do the next best thing: wildly re-interpret it using theological language that has almost no connection to the intended reality of the song. Follow me as we over-interpret, under-interpret, make associations based on the most tangential of evidence and generally wreck Holy Havoc on this pop music phenomena.

This is Bad Music Theology.

If you'd like to listen to the song as you read you can find the video here. Note: Video is probably NSFW.

(Warning: strong language, sexual imagery)

Everybody get up 
Everybody get up
Hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, hey

Pharrell introduces himself as our herald by directing us all to "get up" for we are about to hear from an important person. He beckons us with the attention-grabbing and familiar "Hey" repeated in a treble of trebles to reassert that we should be listening closely to what we will hear.

If you can't hear what I'm trying to say
If you can't read from the same page
Maybe I'm going deaf,
Maybe I'm going blind
Maybe I'm out of my mind

With our attention suitably directed, our main speaker enters the stage. He immediately questions our ability to hear and understand, then our ability to read and comprehend. In mock indignation he questions his own abilities of comprehension. Perhaps he is "deaf" or "blind" or going out of his mind.

OK now he was close, tried to domesticate you
But you're an animal, baby it's in your nature
Just let me liberate you
Hey, hey, hey
You don't need no papers
Hey, hey, hey
That man is not your maker

Here we are given a clue into the identity of our speaker. He speaks to a woman and argues that her desires of her nature should overwhelm attempts to "domesticate" her. It is at this point that we recognize the speaker as the Serpent from the Garden of Eden addressing us as a metaphorical Eve. He wishes to "liberate" her with the fruit of the forbidden tree. She need sign no contracts, simply eat the fruit. The man, Adam, or perhaps a patriarchal reference to God, is not her "maker".

And that's why I'm gon' take a good girl
I know you want it
I know you want it
I know you want it
You're a good girl
Can't let it get past me
You're far from plastic
Talk about getting blasted
I hate these blurred lines

The Serpent announces his intentions. He wishes to "take" Eve, the "good girl." He knows that she desires the fruit and he refuses to let her "get past" him. He reminds her that she is flesh and blood, full of desires and "far from plastic." Doesn't Eve, like the Serpent, "hate these blurred lines"? Doesn't Eve wish to know the truth of good and evil? Doesn't she wish to know the mind of God?

I know you want it
I know you want it
I know you want it
But you're a good girl
The way you grab me
Must wanna get nasty
Go ahead, get at me

This second half of the chorus highlights the shadow side of the Serpent's temptation. While tempts Eve's desire to know the truth beyond "blurred lines," he also believes that she is full of lustful desires. The Serpent says that she "must wanna get nasty" and beckons her ahead to her doom.

What do they make dreams for
When you got them jeans on
What do we need steam for
You the hottest bitch in this place

The Serpent becomes increasingly cocky as his seduction continues. He appeals to the vanity of this metaphorical Eve. He rhetorically points out her desirability. Not only is she filled with animalistic desires, she spurs these desires as well.

I feel so lucky
Hey, hey, hey
You wanna hug me
Hey, hey, hey
What rhymes with hug me?
Hey, hey, hey

In these words you can sense the Serpent beckoning Eve further and further towards her doom. He begins to reveal his own motivations more and more. He is not merely trying to "liberate" and save Eve from a world of "blurred lines," the Serpent is trying to satisfy his own desires.

OK now he was close, tried to domesticate you
But you're an animal, baby it's in your nature
Just let me liberate you
Hey, hey, hey
You don't need no papers
Hey, hey, hey
That man is not your maker
Hey, hey, hey

Our speaker repeats his earlier lines, but as the narrative deepens these words taken on a darker more sinister tone. Instead of the cajoling playful sense given on first pass, they now feel predatory and verge on mocking. They are no longer words which attempt to seduce, they are words that attempt to suppress. The Serpent knows he has won over his victim, he must merely close the deal.

And that's why I'm gon' take a good girl
I know you want it
I know you want it
I know you want it
You're a good girl
Can't let it get past me
You're far from plastic
Talk about getting blasted
I hate these blurred lines
I know you want it
I hate them lines
I know you want it
I hate them lines
I know you want it
But you're a good girl
The way you grab me
Must wanna get nasty
Go ahead, get at me

Once again the Serpent repeats himself from earlier. However, where the earlier version seemed friendly and cajoling, this reiteration of the language is revelatory, basking in the victory of seduction and debauchery. The Serpent has conquered.

One thing I ask of you
Let me be the one you back that ass to
Yo, from Malibu, to Paribu
Yeah, had a bitch, but she ain't bad as you
So hit me up when you passing through
I'll give you something big enough to tear your ass in two
 Swag on, even when you dress casual
I mean it's almost unbearable

The Serpent reveals his true form as a monster and a scoundrel. Where earlier he appealed to the considerations of the woman, her desire to be a "good girl," her desire to be true to her desires and her nature, her desire to live a life beyond "blurred lines," the Serpent now reveals that all of this has been his attempt to conquer her for his own selfish ambitions. Instead of appealing to her, he now points out how he would like her to satisfy him.

Then, honey you're not there when I'm
With my foresight bitch you pay me by
Nothing like your last guy, he too square for you
He don't smack that ass and pull your hair like that
So I just watch and wait for you to salute
But you didn't pick
Not many women can refuse this pimpin'
I'm a nice guy, but don't get it if you get with me

The Serpent continues mocking his victim. He's "nothing like your last guy" for he is abusive and controlling ("wait for you to salute"). He even says that it was never a choice. She "didn't pick" because "not many women can refuse this pimpin'." Even the illusion of control has been ripped away from our victim.

Shake the vibe, get down, get up
Do it like it hurt, like it hurt
What you don't like work?

The Serpent/Satan/The Abusive One continues to mock and belittle our victim. He demands her to "shake the vibe" and mocks her for the pain she has received.

Baby can you breathe? I got this from Jamaica
It always works for me Dakota to Decatur, uh huh
No more pretending
Hey, hey, hey
Cause now you winning
Hey, hey, hey
Here's our beginning

Our speaker makes his final statement. He no longer cares for the welfare of his prey. Mockingly questioning "Baby can you breathe?" There will be "no more pretending" for this is the beginning of his reign of dominance. He has conquered his prey and taken what he wanted. He has manipulated us all to his whims.

I always wanted a good girl
I know you want it
I know you want it
I know you want it
You're a good girl
Can't let it get past me
You're far from plastic
Talk about getting blasted
I hate these blurred lines
I know you want it
I know you want it
I know you want it
But you're a good girl
The way you grab me
Must wanna get nasty
Go ahead, get at me

This final refrain summarizes the story and places a cynical and depressive frame around the story. This is not a tale of redemption, but is instead a warning to us all. Though many will appeal to us through our desires and wants, we must be cautious that we are not being manipulated to their abusive whims. Our desires and wants can be healthy, but they can also be the weakness which leads us into a dark and oppressive story.

Everybody get up
Everybody get up
Hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, hey  

Our herald returns beckoning us to listen, hear and reflect on the message of this tale.

Peace,
Ben

Ben Howard is an accidental iconoclast and generally curious individual living in Nashville, Tennessee. He is also the editor-in-chief of On Pop Theology and an avid fan of waving at strangers for no reason. You can follow him on Twitter @BenHoward87. 

 

You can follow On Pop Theology on Twitter @OnPopTheology or like us on Facebook at www.facebook.com/OnPopTheology.

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Bad Music Video Theology: "Radioactive" by Imagine Dragons

by Sebastian Faust

First, watch the video. I’ll see you back here in 4 minutes, 4 seconds.

Right… well then, let the commentary begin:

00:00 – The scene opens on an overcast autumn day, dead leaves catch in the wind, a crow caws plaintively in the trees that line an ancient footpath. A figure walks toward the camera, dressed in a blue hoodie, carrying a cage at her side. She is God (patently), portrayed here, of course, in the Divine Feminine. (Also, portrayed here by Alexandra Daddario.)

00:14 – Close-up of God; beautiful music fades in over the sound of the wind, guitars ringing bright, singers intone a simple melody beneath them. Yet when we see the band, these makers of the music, they are trapped, held in a darkened cell. Certainly the song they sing is a lament. “Let the groaning of the prisoner come before you, O God, according to your great power, rescue those who are doomed to die” (Psalm 79:11).

 00:17 – As God moves through this autumnal landscape, new life springs up. Note especially the Cirsium altissimum, the purple Roadside Thistle, swaying in the breeze of God’s passing. Obviously this wind is metaphor: pneuma hagion or ruach elohim.

00:28 – God comes upon a run-down shack in a field beside a forest. But this isn’t The Shack from William Paul Young fame… this is more like the Anti-Shack.

00:38–00:55 – God enters the shack. Meanwhile, imprisoned beneath it in darkness, held captive behind bars, the band begins to sing, “I’m waking up to ash and dust.”  This is lament; “this is a people plundered and despoiled; all of them are trapped in caves, or are hidden away in prisons; they have become prey with none to deliver them, and have become spoil, with none to say, “Give them back!” (Isaiah 42:22). 



00:58 – And now we begin to see just who is inside the shack. First, we see the ringleader, the big man, the head honcho, Lou Diamond Phillips. Around his neck he wears a key; it gleams as it catches the light. It can be none other than the Key to the Abyss from Revelation. He obviously is Satan, the god of this world (2 Cor. 4:4), into whose power have been given the kingdoms of the earth (Luke 4:6). We know this because he is the only one smoking a cigar and blowing smoke rings, and maybe also because, at that moment, the band sings, “This is it, the Apocalypse” (and, almost without question because it’s Lou Diamond Phillips). He is surrounded by gods and demi-gods and demons – they are placing bets on something (maybe it’s Job?).

01:12 – Oh. It’s not Job. No, now we see why the gods are gathered together in horrific, gleeful celebration. It’s the Beast. Admittedly, you think it looks like a muppet. But it’s not a muppet. It’s the Beast. And this is the Apocalypse. “Who is like the Beast?  And who is able to wage war against him?” (Rev. 13:4). Apparently no one, because when we see the tally of the previous fights he’s been in, it’s Beast: 117 – Challenger: nil.



 

01:28 – Scratch that… Beast: 118. This guy’s frightening; he just killed another muppet. Definitely a reference to Revelation 13:7 – “It was also given to him to make war on the saints and to overcome them.”  Meanwhile, below, Imagine Dragons begins to sing, “I’m waking up . . . welcome to the new age.”  Though the night is dark, they live proleptically, looking forward, by faith, to a brighter future.

01:38-2:03 – Again and again, the Beast destroys those who stand against him; muppet-stuffing litters the Battle Pit of Doom. And as each of the saints is eviscerated, Lou Diamond Satan pulls a lever, opening the Abyss beneath their feet and dropping them down into eternal darkness (where there is weeping and gnashing of teeth).

02:05 – But now, God is doing something new. She wades into the midst of the gods; you can see in her eyes the anger at oppression. “God takes [her] stand in the Divine Assembly; [she] judges in the midst of the gods: ‘How long will you all judge unjustly, and show partiality to the wicked?’ . . . But they don’t get it; they don’t understand. They walk paths of darkness . . . [God said] ‘Yes, formerly I declared you gods, all of you sons of the Most High. But now you will die just like humans; now you will fall in battle’” (Psalm 82). God opens the pet carrier she brought with her.

02:11 – Enter Jesus, from above. And yes, Jesus is a pink Care Bear. “And I saw the Beast and the kings of the earth and their armies assembled to make war against Him who sat on the horse and against his army” (Rev. 17:19).

02:19-02:30 – Showdown!  Jesus Bear and the Beast begin mortal kombat (sic). Or, on further review, maybe Jesus Bear just gets the stuffing drubbed out of him.

02:32 – Mayday… Mayday. Jesus Bear down. I repeat, Jesus Bear down! Holy… the Beast just totally crucified that guy.

02:37 – But wait!  Jesus Bear rose up again?

02:43 – Jesus Bear is infused by the Spirit of God, this time manifesting itself as a pink, glowing energy, while the band sings a victory hymn, “I’m radioactive, radioactive.” What they mean is not, “I’ve been bombarded with radiation, and soon my hair will fall out, and I shall waste away,” but rather, “I’m glowing, man. I’ve got the Spirit in me! I’m on fire!”

02:48 – Bye bye, Beastie. Jesus Bear and the Holy Pink Spirit just won this fight. “He treads the winepress of the fierce wrath of God” (Rev. 17:15).

02:55 – The gods are speechless. If they weren’t, they’d probably be saying, “Jesus Christ… is that a Care Bear?”

03:03 – Lou Satan Phillips sends his minions to seize Jesus Bear, but Jesus Bear isn’t having any of it. This Care Bear stare isn’t like I remember it. “And the rest were killed with the sword which came from the mouth of Him who sat on the horse” (Rev. 17:21).

03:19 – With the gods destroyed and scattered, God removes the key from Satan’s neck. Satan then is thrown into the Abyss of his own devising. “Then I saw an angel coming down . . . holding the key to the Abyss and a great chain in his hand . . . and he laid hold of Satan . . . and he threw him into the Abyss, and shut it, and sealed it over him” (Rev. 20:1-2).

03:26-04:04 – There, Satan Diamond Phillips faces torment. Meanwhile, God sets the band free from their ash and their dust, their bondage and their chains:

                                           “The Lord keeps faith forever;

                                           [She] delivers justice to the oppressed;

                               [She] gives food to the hungry;

                               The Lord sets the prisoners free.”

                                                                        - Psalm 146:6-7

Sebastian Faust is an avowed heretic, armchair theologian, and a self-styled canary in the coal mine of pop culture. He lives in Nashville with his dog Watson and what sounds like a family of squirrels that have squatters rights to his attic. If you'd like to follow Sebastian on Twitter, you can't, because he doesn't understand technology.

You can, however, follow On Pop Theology on Twitter @OnPopTheology or like us on Facebook at www.facebook.com/OnPopTheology.

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