by Ben Howard
Today we continue with part two of the On Pop Theology NBA Preview for Theologians by covering the teams in the Western Conference. You can find the Eastern Conference here.
Dallas Mavericks
Orthodox/Heretical: Heretical, in a we're rich and aimless way.
Representative Biblical Book: Ecclesiastes - Rich dude reflects on how life is meaningless and nothing makes him happy. That sounds perfect.
Patron Saint: Dirk Nowitzki - The patron saint of Germans, Shaggy-Headed Men, and Overbites.
Summary: What happens when your brash over-the-top owner goes all out in back-to-back years to sign the biggest free agents available? You get to root for Monta Ellis and Jose Calderon! Are you not entertained? Eh...probably not.
Denver Nuggets
Orthodox/Heretical: Heretical, in a train going off the tracks way.
Representative Biblical Book: 1 & 2 Timothy - They seem okay until you look closer and then they make you feel kind of uncomfortable and you stop reading them anymore.
Patron Saint: Andre Miller - The patron saint of Scrappy Dudes, Old Man Basketball, and Professors.
Summary: The Nuggets finished with the 4th best record in the NBA last year. So, like any well-run franchise, they fired their coach, allowed their general manager to leave, and let their best player sign with another team. What's left? A team whose two best players are undersized point guards along with the blooper-reel stylings of JaVale McGee.
Golden State Warriors
Orthodox/Heretical: Heretical, in the best way possible.
Representative Biblical Book: James - Faith without works is dead and I have a lot of faith in Stephen Curry.
Patron Saint: Stephen Curry - The patron saint of Threes, Being HOT!, and Being SOOO HOT!!
Summary: If basketball fans could build a magical kingdom where all of their wildest dreams came true and unicorns shot threes with impunity, they would come up with something not unlike the Golden State Warriors, a team that plays fast and shoots well. However, like most fantasy-worlds, no one is confident that it can stand up to the harsh light of reality.
Houston Rockets
Orthodox/Heretical: Orthodox, in an exhilarating way.
Representative Biblical Book: Song of Solomon - Sexy, sexy, sexy. Also, Donatas Motiejunas has a neck like an ivory tower.
Patron Saint: James Harden - The patron saint of Beards, Bored Stares, and Even Larger Beards.
Summary: The Rockets signed star center Dwight Howard (aka The Hamlet of Candyland) in the offseason which begs the question: Are the Rockets ready for lift-off? I'm sorry, I couldn't resist. In other news, Chandler Parsons is a sexy man with a spray tan.
Los Angeles Clippers
Orthodox/Heretical: Orthodox, in an exciting way.
Representative Biblical Book: Philipians - A book that talks about joy is the only appropriate book for a team that love alley-oops.
Patron Saint: Blake Griffin - The patron saint of Dunks, Red Heads, and Kia.
Summary: Every pundit seems to think that the Clippers will be very good, and I must say I'm inclined to agree. They have stars in Chris Paul and Blake Griffin and a very solid supporting cast. However, they will also be relying on Byron "Don't Call Me B.J." Mullens who I once watched play for the Ohio State Buckeyes. With this knowledge, I am also inclined to say the Clippers won't be that good.
Los Angeles Lakers
Orthodox/Heretical: Heretical, in a rabble of cast-offs way.
Representative Biblical Book: Revelation - Confusing, over-exposed, and apocalyptic.
Patron Saint: Nick Young - The patron saint of Having Swag, Riding Elephants, and Always Shooting.
Summary: There is a non-zero chance that Kobe Bryant will attempt to fight Nick Young during a game. However, Nick Young, in the most Nick Young-ian reaction possible, will not take Kobe's threats seriously which will both add to the hilarity of the moment and possibly cause Kobe to suffer a psychological break. After this incident, Dwight Howard will send Nick Young the biggest bag of Skittles ever as a congratulations.
Memphis Grizzlies
Orthodox/Heretical: Orthodox, in a way that will dismantle your soul.
Representative Biblical Book: Leviticus - Rigid structure that will bend you to its will.
Patron Saint: Marc Gasol - The patron saint of Spaniards, Giants, and Body Odor.
Summary: Last year, I was forced to watch a hobbled version of my beloved Oklahoma City Thunder lose to the Grizzlies in the Second Round of the NBA Playoffs. This was the basketball equivalent of watching a beloved pet get punched in the face repeatedly. I have no good things to say about the Grizzlies.
Minnesota Timberwolves
Orthodox/Heretical: Neutral, in a perennially snake-bit way.
Representative Biblical Book: Exodus - They're coming out of the oppression of injuries. Here's hoping Love and company can avoid a rebellion that leads to 40 years in the wilderness.
Patron Saint: Kevin Love - The patron saint of Rebounding, Outlet Passes, and Big Hugs.
Summary: "And verily the prophecy foretold that the child of the hippies (Kevin Love) and the foreigner (Ricky Rubio) would unite to lead the great mythical beast out of the dark woods of the north to wreck havoc upon those who would stand in their way. Unless, of course, the great mythical beast develops knee and ankle problems as the beast has been known to do." - The Great Viking Tome of 1972 (I imagine Minnesotans to be very epic when talking about sports.)
New Orleans Pelicans
Orthodox/Heretical: Heretical, in a dizzyingly weird way.
Representative Biblical Book: Jude - Have you read Jude? It's super weird.
Patron Saint: Anthony Davis - The patron saint of Versatility, WINGSPAN, and Unibrows.
Summary: The Pelicans three highest-paid players all the play, more or less, the same position. All of them are good at that position, providing you squint and ignore all the red flags. Their highest scoring player is a 6'10'' power forward who only shoots threes and doesn't start. Their best player trademarked his unibrow. I think the Pelicans might be an elaborate practical joke on the people of New Orleans.
Oklahoma City Thunder
Orthodox/Heretical: Orthodox, in a frustratingly static way.
Representative Biblical Book: John - They are the team that I love, though I'd like to avoid all the challenging parts.
Patron Saint: Russell Westbrook - The patron saint of Reckless Abandon, Bizarre Fashion Statements, and Glasses Without The Glass Part.
Summary: I lived in Oklahoma when the Thunder moved into town and they are my adopted team. As a result, I can't speak with much objectivity about their outlook. To be honest, I watch most Thunder games in a fever-state that vacillates between near ecstatic joy at the beauty of it all and a furious hatred which allows me to invent new obscenities to yell at Derek Fisher and Kendrick Perkins. In lighter news, they drafted a seven-foot tall Kiwi named Steven.
Phoenix Suns
Orthodox/Heretical: Heretical, in a giving up way.
Representative Biblical Book: Philemon - You'll spend as much time reading Philemon this year as you will watching the Suns.
Patron Saint: Steve Nash - The patron saint of Canadians, Soccer, and Everlasting Youth.
Summary: At one point while I was writing this preview, I forgot that this team existed. It is entirely possible that there are players employed by this team who do not realize they are in the NBA. Also, their mascot is a gorilla...for no reason. (Note: Of course, the Suns then started this season 5-2 with all of their players playing far above expectations. But to be fair, even their coach is surprised that they're winning.)
Portland Trail Blazers
Orthodox/Heretical: Orthodox, in a not quite enough way.
Representative Biblical Book: Hebrews - If nothing else, the Blazers fans are a great cloud of witnesses.
Patron Saint: LaMarcus Aldridge - The patron saint of Being Very Good, Being Forgettable, and That Guy You Totally Overlooked For Some Reason.
Summary: The Blazers are building around Damian Lillard and LaMarcus Aldridge, two very good, but not quite elite players. On the plus side, that means they'll have the chance to the go to the playoffs. Unfortunately, it means someone better will run them off the floor.
Sacramento Kings
Orthodox/Heretical: Heretical, in a totally insane way.
Representative Biblical Book: Book of Enoch - I had to go off the board to find something wacky enough for the Kings.
Patron Saint: DeMarcus Cousins - The patron saint of Insanity, Sacramento (not a compliment), and Derrick Coleman.
Summary: Consider this season the Kings halfway-house on their way to NBA sobriety. After years of shady ownership with shallow pockets and rumors of moves to various cities across the country, the Kings are secure for the time being. Now they just have to focus on playing basketball. Thankfully, they have DeMarcus Cousins. On the other hand, they have DeMarcus Cousins. The team will rise and fall on his ability to grow up.
San Antonio Spurs
Orthodox/Heretical: Orthodox, in the best possible way.
Representative Biblical Book: Genesis - In the beginning God created the Spurs. And there was evening and there was morning the first day.
Patron Saint: Tim Duncan - The patron saint of Fundamentals, Incredulous Stares, and Bizarre Referee Feuds.
Summary: If you've ever watched a sunset and just basked in the glow of something being so perfect, natural, and beautiful, then you know the feeling of watching the Spurs play basketball. This is as close to art as basketball gets.
Utah Jazz
Orthodox/Heretical: Orthodox, in the most passive way possible.
Representative Biblical Book: Lamentations - Because everyone is sad that God has abandoned them.
Patron Saint: Gordon Hayward - The patron saint of Whiteness, Mormons, and Snow (by association).
Summary: Their best player looks like a kid who got beat up a lot in high school. I hope he's ready to relive that experience this year. It's not going to be pretty.
Ben
Howard is an accidental iconoclast and generally curious individual
living in Nashville, Tennessee. He is also the editor-in-chief of On Pop
Theology and an avid fan of waving at strangers for no reason. You can
follow him on Twitter @BenHoward87.
You can follow On Pop Theology on Twitter @OnPopTheology or like us on Facebook at www.facebook.com/OnPopTheology.
You might also like:
by Ben Howard
As I've perused the theological landscape over the last few years, I've learned a number of interesting things. I've learned what kind of music theology students and professors prefer, what kind of movies, what kind of TV shows, even what kind of sports. Theology is strangely dominated by baseball fans. It's kind of odd. There are even a handful of football and soccer fans scattered throughout, but I've found a serious dirth of NBA fandom in the theological community.
So, with this heinous oversight in mind, I've tasked myself with writing an NBA preview for the theological community. I've ranked each team on a scale from Orthodox to Heretical (based on playing style), given them a representative book of the Bible, and named their patron saint. I've even given you a brief summary of their outlook this season.
You don't know it yet, but I'll make NBA fans out of all of you. It is my mission, it is my quest.
Without further ado, I bring you the Eastern Conference teams.
Atlanta Hawks
Orthodox/Heretical: Orthodox, in a very plain way.
Representative Biblical Book: Malachi - I'm sure it's a perfectly good book of the Bible, but I won't be paying it any attention in the near future.
Patron Saint: Paul Millsap - The patron saint of Poor Business Decisions, Discounts, and Overachievers.
Summary: The Hawks are a good team without a great player. Unfortunately, great players are hard to come by for teams that aren't picking at the top of the draft. This leaves the Hawks in the NBA equivalent of no man's land; a team just good enough to lose in the first round of the playoffs to a real contender.
Boston Celtics
Orthodox/Heretical: Heretical, in a blowing it up to start all over way.
Representative Biblical Book: Nehemiah - What fits better than a book about rebuilding from the ruins of a destroyed kingdom?
Patron Saint: Rajon Rondo - The patron saint of Connect Four, Aliens, and Being Misunderstood.
Summary:
Over the summer the Celtics traded away their two aging stars for pennies on the dollar in order to kickstart their rebuilding program. They're a proud franchise and a well-run team, but they're in the beginning stages of a long process.
Brooklyn Nets
Orthodox/Heretical: Orthodox, in a super wealthy way.
Representative Biblical Book: Judges - A bunch of wise old men sound like a great idea until the people tell you they really want a king.
Patron Saint: Mikhail Prokhorov - The patron saint of Russian Oligarchs, Bankrolls, and Secret Things We Can't Talk About Without Getting Killed.
Summary:
The Nets are the basketball equivalent of a mad scientists very, very expensive experiment. On a pure talent basis, they're probably the best team in the league, but it's completely unknown whether these well-played stars will mesh together as a team, or if/when it's aging stars skills decline too far.
Charlotte Bobcats
Orthodox/Heretical: Bad, in a bad way.
Representative Biblical Book: Numbers - Their roster is filled with a list of names you don't really know and don't particularly care to learn anything about.
Patron Saint: Michael Jordan - The patron saint of Basketball, Gambling, and Being Ironically Bad At Your Job.
Summary:
The Bobcats are a mess.Their young players are disappointing projects, their veterans aren't nearly good enough to carry the team, and there seems to be no discernible plan. The Charlotte Bobcats are the NBA equivalent of a tire fire.
Chicago Bulls
Orthodox/Heretical: Orthodox, in a super intense way.
Representative Biblical Book: Deuteronomy - They are the law and you will abide by what they say.
Patron Saint: Derrick Rose - The patron saint of Knee Injuries, Delayed Gratification, and Pencil Thin Mustaches.
Summary:
Former MVP Derrick Rose returns this season after sitting out last year with an ACL injury. He comes back to find a gritty, grinding defensive juggernaut that seems to have improved in his absence. The only question is whether they can all stay healthy to challenge Miami.
Cleveland Cavaliers
Orthodox/Heretical: Heretical, in a we'll figure it out next year way.
Representative Biblical Book: Job - Because God is clearly testing the good people of Cleveland, Ohio.
Patron Saint: Kyrie Irving - The patron saint of Getting Over Lebron James, Breaking Ankles, and Not Playing Defense.
Summary:
It's been three years and the Cavs are still reeling from the departure of Lebron James. They've compiled a young, talented core, but the team has come to a crossroads: push the chips all-in to win now, or hold out for the summer and hope for Lebron's return. Knowing Cleveland's history, either choice will end badly.
Detroit Pistons
Orthodox/Heretical: Heretical, in a really tall way.
Representative Biblical Book: 1 & 2 Samuel - This is where the Goliath story is and the Pistons have a lot of really tall dudes (What? They can't all be gold!)
Patron Saint: Josh Smith - The patron saint of Curiously Normal Names, Missed Fadeaway Jumpers, and Frustrated Fans.
Summary:
The Pistons are weird. They're ridiculously talented, but their best players are either raw or undisciplined. The success of their season rests on the maturation of Brandon Jennings and Andre Drummond and the hope that Josh Smith can shed some of the bad habits from his time in Atlanta. However, expecting all three to happen simultaneously feels foolish.
Indiana Pacers
Orthodox/Heretical: Orthodox, in a slightly less intense than Chicago way.
Representative Biblical Book: Proverbs - A healthy focus on those good ol' Midwestern fundamental values.
Patron Saint: Roy Hibbert - The patron saint of Sitcom Cameos, Inappropriate Celebratory Press Conferences, and Being Physically Intimidating.
Summary:
The Pacers bring back almost the entire team that was oh so close to toppling Miami's reign in the Eastern Conference Finals last year. They've improved the bench that proved to be an issue last season, and it's up to Roy Hibbert and Paul George to sustain the improvements they made at the end of last season.
Miami Heat
Orthodox/Heretical: Heretical, in a they're the devil way.
Representative Biblical Book: 1 & 2 Kings - It's the only appropriate choices for the 2-time defending champions. Please note that there is not a third book of Kings.
Patron Saint: Lebron James - The patron saint of Kings, All Media, and Betrayal.
Summary:
They're good. They're really really good. I hate them.
Milwaukee Bucks
Orthodox/Heretical: Heretical, in a no idea what they're doing way.
Representative Biblical Book: Nahum - Any idea what's in the book of Nahum? I think you see my point.
Patron Saint: LARRY SANDERS! - The patron saint of Blocks, Exclamation Points, and Entirely Capitalized Names.
Summary:
As one NBA writer recently pointed out, pretty much every player on the Bucks is interchangeable with every other player on the Bucks. They're vaguely good, if by good you mean average. It's like a basketball team that personifies the Midwest.
New York Knicks
Orthodox/Heretical: Heretical, in a really bloated way.
Representative Biblical Book: Psalms - There's a lot of celebration, but it's a book more defined by lament than anything else.
Patron Saint: Carmelo Anthony - The patron saint of Forcing Trades, Having A Brand, and Fancy Headbands.
Summary:
The Knicks can best be explained through the experience of recent acquisition Andrea Bargnani. Bargnani is a former #1 overall draft pick for the Raptors. After several years of disappointing play, the Raptors fans began to boo Bargnani relentlessly last season. In the offseason, he was traded to the Knicks for a fresh start. By the end of his second game, the Knicks fans were booing him every time he touched the ball. So go the Knicks. High expectations + not enough talent to fulfill those expectations = disappointment.
Orlando Magic
Orthodox/Heretical: Orthodox, in a heretical way.
Representative Biblical Book: Isaiah - There's a lot of talk about the future, but there's going to be a lot of misery in the present.
Patron Saint: Victor Oladipo - The patron saint of Hard Work, Working Hard, and Subtly Difficult To Pronounce Names.
Summary:
The Magic are incredibly young and full of talented players who don't quite know what they are yet. They probably won't be very good this year, but life is starting to look up in Orlando. The only question is, do they have a real star to build around?
Philadelphia 76ers
Orthodox/Heretical: Heretical, in a totally on purpose way.
Representative Biblical Book: Joel - The world ends.
Patron Saint: Evan Turner - The patron saint of Swiss-Army Knives, Self-Applied Nicknames, and Villains.
Summary:
The 1973 76ers went 9-73 and hold the record for being the worst team in NBA history. There are those who think this team will be worse. However, unlike the 1973 team, this version of the 76ers is doing it on purpose. The worst team in the league has a good chance of winning the rights to draft once-in-a-decade talent Andrew Wiggins in the 2014 Draft. Apparently, it's worth losing on purpose. (Note: In a rather surprising twist, the 76ers won their first 3 games of the season in rather astonishing fashion to surprise the basketball world. Don't worry, they'll still be bad.)
Toronto Raptors
Orthodox/Heretical: Orthodox, in a boring way.
Representative Biblical Book: Ezekiel - It's super confusing and I'm not sure if it's good or bad.
Patron Saint: Rudy Gay - The patron saint of Being Overrated, Trades That Make Your Former Team Better, and Being Named After 80's Sports Movies.
Summary:
Every time I wrote down a list of NBA teams, I forgot the Raptors. I didn't know that I had an anti-Canadian bias, but apparently I do. In the offseason, the Raptors hired well-respected general manager Masai Ujiri to rebuild the team into a contender. The road to contender likely means that Ujiri will trade off the Raptors best players for draft picks and other building blocks. Don't get too attached.
Washington Wizards
Orthodox/Heretical: Orthodox, in a surprising way.
Representative Biblical Book: Daniel - A surprisingly normal story on the surface gives way to mind-bending weirdness as you venture further.
Patron Saint: John Wall - The patron saint of Potential, Unrealized Potential, and Sort-Of Realized Potential.
Summary:
The Wizards are led by their young backcourt of John Wall and Bradley Beal. Unfortunately, no one really knows how good Wall and Beal will be. In other Wizard related ephemera, the have a Brazilian player named Nene and their owner is the man responsible for sending you hundreds of AOL Trial CD's in the 90's.
Ben
Howard is an accidental iconoclast and generally curious individual
living in Nashville, Tennessee. He is also the editor-in-chief of On Pop
Theology and an avid fan of waving at strangers for no reason. You can
follow him on Twitter @BenHoward87.
You can follow On Pop Theology on Twitter @OnPopTheology or like us on Facebook at www.facebook.com/OnPopTheology.
You might also like:
Golden State Warriors
