Friday, September 28, 2012

The Election Chronicles: Top Five Presidents that Look Like Jesus

by Jonathan Harrison

"He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him,
nothing in his appearance that we should desire him." (Isaiah 53:2 NIV)

Of course, Isaiah forgot to mention  that Jesus would resemble a white Anglo Saxon Protestant with a pleasant smile. We can't really blame him though; Isaiah wrote in the 8th century BC, long before artistic interpretations of the Savior could be painted by White Anglo Saxon Males (who would be Protestant if they had a choice, naturally) and posted in every sanctuary in the Mediterranean. Logically speaking, if Jesus were to resemble anyone in the history of the world, it would be one of the members of the elitist of the elite WASPs: our U.S. Presidents (except for Kennedy and Obama {obviously}). Today I give you, the top five U.S. presidents that look like Jesus.

Martin Van Buren
Claim to Fame: 8th President
Little Known Facts: First president to be born a U.S. citizen. Also only president to not grow up speaking English, which brings into serious question whether he was actually qualified to be president (as the liberal media would like you to forget).
Beard factor.  Not really bearded, but he paved the way. Sweet burns though.

Rutherford B. Hayes
Claim to Fame:19th President
Little known fact: At one time, he was alive.
Beard Factor:  X 10. Dude had a sick beard though. Leader in the clubhouse?

Ulysses S. Grant
Claim to Fame: 18th President
Little known fact: His autobiography is considered the best of its kind. Also raging drunkard according to the Animaniacs. Finally, in 1999 he appeared in the Will Smith steam-punk film "Wild Wild West." Sources say this was not actually him, but an actor in disguise.
Beard Factor X 7, maybe good enough for an apostle.

James Garfield:
Claim to Fame: 20th Presidency
Little known fact: Presidency lasted 200 days. 2nd shortest Presidency (got shot). A famous orange cat is named after him because, according to the creator, the name reminded him of "...a fat cat...or a St. Bernard...or a neat line of thermal underwear." Incidentally, James Garfield owned a pair of thermal underwear (unsourced).
Beard Factor:  X 9. Sadly, unlike the office of president, there is no vice-Christ. Sorry James.

Benjamin Harrison
Claim to Fame: 23rd President
Little known fact: Was first president to offer a billion dollar budget making him yet another tax and spend liberal. Was a republican. Had beard.
Beard Factor X8 (Editor's note: I think this is where my beard is at the moment. Good job namesake.)

I hope you've enjoyed this exploration of United States history. Now go out there and literally vote Jesus for President. Or at least make Mitt Romney grow a little stubble.

Jonathan wrote this. He is a person. He does not have a beard. He makes up for it by having Twitter: @jonateharrison.

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