How-To Theology

by Lyndsey Graves

"Any one who thinks about God is a theologian."

My teachers were always saying this. I went to a Christian university where everyone is required to take a minor in religion, and the first session of Intro to Theology was always an attempt to get a roomful of Communications or Chemistry undergraduates to care.

The theology professors' point was, if you think about God, you are already a theologian; it's up to you whether you're going to be a good theologian or a bad one. I like this point of view, even if it caused some of my honors-program comrades and me to take our sophomore selves a little too seriously.
 
I've been a "career" theologian for three years now. I declared the major with the intention of pursuing a Ph.D. in something theology-related, and I haven't since wavered in that intention. I leave this week for Boston to pursue my Master's in Theological Studies, and I worry a little that the grad school gauntlet will somehow cause me to forget the basics I've already learned; so, today, some pointers for the happy, tea-sipping armchair theologian and the frantic, pasty, study-carrel-bound theologian (read: myself) alike.
 
1. Pray.

Never say anything about God that you wouldn't say to his face. Evagrius Ponticus said in the fourth century, "The theologian is the one who prays truly, and the one who prays truly is the theologian." Pray as much as possible. Pray during lectures. Pray while you're writing. If you don't know what to write, write a prayer. Pray when you don't like God. Pray when you don't believe in God. Pray when you're lost. Pray when you're happy. Pray when you're walking. Pray when you're taking a break from theology. If you're sick of praying, tell God about it.
 
2. Aim for humility above all else.

As you do theology, are you learning to serve? Is it teaching you to love your enemies? Or is it teaching you to correct, dismiss, or deride others? If theology isn't making you a better person, go back to step one. Learning about God should never cease to remind you just how small you are - and deflating your ego is prerequisite to making an actual difference in the world.

3. Listen to the past.

Embarrassing as the Church Fathers and Mothers (or whoever embarrasses you) can be, they were here first and they're probably smarter than you. Christianity is a historical religion, and if you claim to be continuing a tradition someone else started, it's important to know what the tradition is before you start blustering about "improving" it.

4. Use all of yourself.

Don't be afraid of what your emotions or your experiences have to tell you. Stay in touch with them as you exercise your rational side, too.

5. Consider your sources.

The "Wesleyan Quadrilateral" is really helpful here, until people start talking about it as if Wesley made it up. Yet I think the best, truest, most long-lasting theology has always been formed in - and informed by - the space between Tradition, Scripture, Reason, and Experience. There is an enormous amount of tension in that space, which is why various theologians and traditions have often tended towards one side or corner of the quadrilateral; but if any element is ignored entirely, you're missing out on part of the gift of God's self-revelation.

6. Talk to other people. 
I do mean this in the sense that you should listen to a variety of perspectives - very few people are completely wrong about everything, and it especially never hurts to hear from someone with very different experiences from yours.  Listen to other people before you jump to defend your pet point of view. Ask old people, homeless people, children, as well as more experienced pastors, scholars, and Christians.  And every once in a while, maybe even give others the benefit of the doubt.

But really, I think it's even more important to talk to your friends. They are your safe space and your bullshit-detector rolled into one. Without those casual, down-to-earth conversations over a game of disc golf, you run the risk of turning from human being into theology-bot (it's the saddest Transformer): you may be textbook-correct, but no one wants to touch you. Besides, eventually you'll get stuck in some kind of existential quagmire from which only a good friend (theologian or not) can pull you out. Also, some sort of vice is essential to these conversations - either a beer, a pipe, or a large pile of junk food. Any disagreement about Calvinism may require all three.

7.Test it out.

If it doesn't work, it's wrong. We're talking about God, yes, but this God made the universe, loves it, and is all in it. It's surprisingly easy to deceive yourself, and sometimes a lot of other people, when you're hovering around in abstract-land. So never forget: if your grand idea doesn't make sense in the real world, it's useless. Don't forget to at least visit the real world and pay attention to how your big words and lofty sentiments relate to the people around you who have never heard of prevenient grace or the Arian controversy.
 
8. Worship. 
It's trendy these days to talk about how you don't need church to have a relationship with God, or about how community is more important than Sunday morning, or about how all of life is worship so if you don't want to go somewhere and sing then you don't have to. But theology and a relationship with God, don't just consist of personal study, something you've labeled "community", and a neighborhood service project. There's something mysterious about worship - doing nothing but praising God with other people - that is important and powerful and changes you on a level beyond all the words you're playing with. Don't skip it.

I could probably go on, but I can use all the help I can get - What would y'all add to this list? 

Lyndsey lives in Boston, MA where she is pursuing her Master's in Theological Studies at Boston University. She enjoys Community, Mad Men and Beauty and the Beast and her spirit animal is a sloth. She would like to know if this is some kind of interactive theater art piece. You can follow her on Twitter @lyndseygraves and you can find more of her writing at her blog To Be Honest.

You can follow On Pop Theology on Twitter @OnPopTheology or like us on Facebook at www.facebook.com/OnPopTheology.
 
You might also like:  

• An Ordinary Time
• The Lie They Tell About Emma Watson and Me
• Intertwined With the Poor: What the Missional Movement Lacks

How to Write A Controversial Blog Post in 5 Easy Steps

Controversy!

by Ben Howard

So you want to write a controversial blog post, well good for you. That will certainly achieve your twin goals of driving traffic to your site and developing your thriving internet fame.

But what's that you say, you don't have the time or the nuanced worldview to write an interesting, thought-provoking article about an important and often misunderstood aspect of daily human existence? Never fear! Just follow these five easy steps and your blog post will be a mild sub-culture based controversy in no time!

Step #1: Pick Your Controversial Topic

To get a real controversy brewing you'll want to make sure that your topic is a real doozy. There's a certain kind of art to picking a truly controversial blog topic.

First, you want to make sure that you pick a topic that appears to have two equal sides, but one of those sides, preferably the side you'll be arguing on behalf of, needs to be based on a fundamental logical fallacy. The appearance of fairness is an essential quality to a truly controversial post.

Second, you'll want to choose a topic that you're tangentially aware of, but not intimately associated with. If you're a man in your mid to late twenties, perhaps you should try your hand at an unnuanced critique of modern feminism. What if you're a white Christian who's never left the country? Try talking about the essence of Islam. Make sure it's something you can caricature without ever actually engaging.

Step #2: Write With Careless Condescension

Now we come to the content, the beating heart of your intentionally controversial post. Always remember that articulate, well-reasoned, and thoughtful content can quickly derail your search for controversy and could accidentally breed true dialogue.

In order to avoid such a disaster, be sure to write with an affected and careless condescension reminiscent of any number of 1950's sitcom fathers, ESPN analysts, or anyone who's appeared on Fox News, CNN or MSNBC within the last calendar year.

When writing, be sure to universalize your experience. You're the writer, you're the only person who's really important in this situation. Even though we both know you're searching out the largest readership possible, pretend that everyone who reads it will think it exactly like you. It might be enticing to include a dash of humility or grace, but try your best to avoid that dastardly urge.

Do not use!

If you feel like your content is a little weaker than you would want or if the language isn't as inflammatory as you'd earlier hoped, try making an appeal to biblical authority by quoting a verse. To achieve optimal controversy, choose a verse that's both out of context and easy to misinterpret.

Pro Tip: Apply Greek or Hebrew transliteration to increase the assumed sincerity of your fallacious argument. 

Step #3: Select a Provocative Title

A good title is the bait for your incendiary trap, and it can make or break your attempt to stir up a proper controversy. You want to settle on a title that teases the irrationally controversial content of your post, but doesn't go too far and drive away the masses too frustrated to even take a look at the mess you've created.

I suggest a title that subtly hints at a point opposite your thesis thus baiting people into a post they expect to like before bashing them over the head with incoherent and offensive logic contained within.

If you aren't the subtle type, and let's face it if you're following these instructions, you aren't, then you may want to try something more extreme and totalizing. Use words like "wrong" or "lie" in your title to entice people to read about why someone would be making such a "radical" claim.

Step #4: Passive-Aggressively Defend

Now that you've written and published your incendiary, condescending, "biblically based" blogging screed, it's time to stoke the flames of internet discontent.

If you've followed the first four steps, you should begin to receive angry comments and tweets in mere minutes. The internet simply cannot abide someone being as callously wrong as you currently are.

Be sure to respond to the reasonable disagreements of those in your comment section with scorn and mockery. Take their words out of context, allege persecution, and constantly refer to your personal experience as a trump card to their well-crafted arguments of logic and general decency.

Once you've got the comment section roiling jump on over to Twitter. Write passive-aggressive tweets about how you wish "people could learn to disagree" and constantly use the phrase "it's just my story." If you're feeling adventurous, continue to belittle those who present critiques or express concern about your ideas on Twitter.

Finally, maintain a public dialogue with friends who agree with your inane blog post so that the few people who still think you're actually open to a conversation can be cynically disabused of such a notion. Casually and unironically use the word "haters" in a number of tweets to personal friends.

You!

Step #5: Profit 

Note: This step has been inserted in accordance with United States Statute 745.1G, also known as the "List Adherence Act of 1993," which requires that all lists "contain a vague reference to the value of capitalist intentions belying the foundational element of content creation in the emerging 'Information Age.'"

I hope you've enjoyed writing this controversial blog post and basking in the artificial internet infamy that such a post can create. Who knows, if you keep following these simple instructions over and over for decades on end, maybe all of the reasonable people will just stop trying.

Peace,
Ben

Ben Howard is an accidental iconoclast and generally curious individual living in Nashville, Tennessee. He is also the editor-in-chief of On Pop Theology and an avid fan of waving at strangers for no reason. You can follow him on Twitter @BenHoward87. 

 

You can follow On Pop Theology on Twitter @OnPopTheology or like us on Facebook at www.facebook.com/OnPopTheology. 

 

You might also like:

• 8 Christian Movies That Could Be Made (Including A Few That Shouldn't Be)
• Theology Trade Deadline
• That One Time When Jesus Had a Machine Gun