Jonathan's Greatest Hits

by Jonathan Harrison

Every so often, when the proverbial fountain of creativity runs dry, artists will compile a list of "greatest hits". Something that in essence screams, "I HAVE NOTHING TO TALK ABOUT AND HAVEN'T FOR A LONG TIME". But you know what, the Rolling Stones release a new greatest hits every year, and you guys haven't gotten tired of listening to "Wild Horses", so yolo. Yolo!

Thankfully,  my creativity will never cease, so instead of throwing in the towel, I've decided to bless you all with an overview of my greatest posts. Look upon my works ye mortals, and despair.

5.P**** Riot.  Hate to say it, but everyone's favorite feel good summer social justice fad faded away like so many social justice fads before. The last I heard, Russia's Prime Minister wanted the girls released, which is quite different from actually releasing them, so let's just hope they get out soon if they're not out already.

4. Favorite Memories from My Fundamentalist Christian Beginnings: "In one fell swoop, Mr. Harrison distills all the emotions of the twentieth century, and gives them to us in a sumptuous feast that is both intellectually and spiritually satisfying"--Some Dude (Editor's note: No one).

3. Touched By an Angel, It's Time: SERIOUSLY PEOPLE YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING. NOTHING! WE ARE NO CLOSER TO SAVING RANDY TRAVIS'S SOUL FOUR MONTHS AGO THAN WE ARE NOW. WHAT DO WE HAVE TODAY? THE VOICE. THE VOICE IS DOING NOTHING FOR RANDY TRAVIS. NOTHING!

2. God Loves Honey Boo Boo Too: Seeing the trailer for Honey Boo Boo started the tailspin. The sudden stop will be when Boo Boo grows up from her white trash surroundings, finds class, and is gentrified by fame. Boo Boo will become the 2030's answer to the Lohan/Spears/Bynes-style celebri-monsters that can't just buy big houses in the middle of nowhere and dissapear like normal people. She will be our children's Marilyn. Write it down.

1.Evangelical Interpretationn of Call Me Maybe: At my new job, my office mate listens to mix radio. This song comes on 15 times a day. I see it as Divine punishment for trying to force theology on a pop song. But it was good post, and it was probably my favorite until now.

When Jonathan isn't patting himself on the back for the things he's written before, he's enjoying a tasty sub sandwich from Subway. Subway:Taste Fresh. (not a sponsor) You can follow Jonathan on Twitter @jonateharrison or you can just follow him around in real life.

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I Liked that Song More When I Didn't Know He Was On American Idol

by Ben Howard

I don’t know if this is a universal experience or not, but I really love falling in love with catchy songs on commercials or TV shows or the intros for sporting events.  I mean I really love it. 

Scrubs is one of my favorite TV shows not only because it made me laugh, but because it introduced me to Colin Hay, Joshua Radin and a whole bunch of other music I wouldn’t have found otherwise.

I remember the World Cup in 2010 for two reasons.  My total and utter fascination with the Uruguayan soccer team led by Latin Michael Bolton aka Diego Forlan and the catchy song from all the Coke commercials, Wavin’ Flag.  I still listen to that song every week.  In Spanish and in English.  The Spanish version is awesome.

So imagine my excitement and glee when I caught the beginning of women’s gymnastics on Sunday night and found myself falling in auditory love with “Home” by Phillip Phillips.  However, my excitement came to a screeching halt when I realized that Phillip(s) was a contestant on American Idol.  How can I enjoy something so…so populist?

Interestingly, I’m not the only one of my friends who had this reaction.  Two nights later I was watching the gymnastics finals when the same song came on.  A friend asked me who it was, hoping for something in the Mumford & Sons/Avett Brothers demographic.  When I told her who it was and where he came from, she actually recoiled.

Now, before we get much further I should say I downloaded the song.  I’m listening to it now.  I love it.  But there is something about popularity that makes me automatically suspicious of, well, everything that’s wildly popular.  I mean I almost had an identity crisis earlier this summer when I found myself singing along to “Payphone” by Maroon 5.  Who am I?

In my mind authenticity has a negative relationship with popularity.  I used to go to a church that I prized for it’s authenticity and integrity.  Then it got bigger and bigger and bigger.  500 turned to 1000 turned to 2000 turned to 3000.  I don’t know if the people there changed, but the context changed my opinion on it.

I’ve tried to work on that hence my purchase of the song and my total and undying adoration of Carly Rae Jepsen, but it still haunts many of my political and theological beliefs.

I think it’s a good thing to question things that are popular because so often those things go unquestioned.  I think this skepticism has benefited me greatly, but I’m always worried that, to borrow a gymnastics term, I’ve over-rotated a bit.  Discernment is hard.  It’s hard to live in the tension between extremes constantly looking for balance and a stable equilibrium.  That’s one of the reasons we have culture wars over chicken.  It’s easier to be an extremist, but that’s not what I want to be.

There’s a story in Jeremiah where he encounters another prophet, Hananiah who is prophesying about the people’s return from exile.  Jeremiah has been telling the people for longer than he cares to recall that they will be in exile for a very long time, but when he encounters Hananiah preaching a new message that the people will be returned and the nation re-established in a very short period of time.

I love Jeremiah’s response to this because at first he’s really excited to hear it.  Yes, it contradicts what he’s been saying, but he thinks God may have just spoken a new word through Hananiah, and he is so grateful for it.

But then he goes home and God speaks to him and tells him that Hananiah’s lying.  That he’s leading the people astray and that Jeremiah needs to go confront Hananiah.  So Jeremiah confronts Hananiah and tells Hananiah that as punishment, he will die within a year.  And Hananiah dies.  And the people stay in exile.  And that isn’t a popular story.

My point is I want to respond to things the way Jeremiah does.  I want to embrace the popular and I want to be enthusiastic, but I also want to be discerning.  If the popular idea is nothing but a myth I want to speak out against it, even if I really wanted it to be real. 

I think that’s what the church is called to do.  Not reject everything, which is easy, or accept everything, which is easier, but to embrace everything with the hope that it might have God’s voice in it then speak truth if it doesn’t.

Peace,

Ben

When he isn’t listening to “Call Me Maybe” and “Payphone”, Ben listens to bands you’ve never heard of, but only their first album.  You can follow his solipsistic elitism @BenHoward87.

An Evangelical Interpretation of Call Me Maybe

by Jonathan Harrison

On November 21, 1985, in the quiet town of Mission*, the Norse demi-goddess known only to humanity as Carley Rae Jepson manifested herself on the bucolic plains of British Columbia.  Raised by a pack of she-wolves, and rumored to have emanated from the forehead of her sire Billy Rae (sic) Cyrus (Norse God of the Mullet), Jepson soon set out to diligently study the art of music, so that one day when humanity needed her the most, she would unleash upon the world her epic creation.

Summers came and went. Jepson was not sure if humanity would ever need her, and if she had not wasted her time learning the sacred art of putting the beat on 1 and 3 and how to rhyme words such as “maybe” and “crazy”. She became despondent, downtrodden, and, dare we say, disconsolate. Would it happen? Would humanity ever cry out for her aid?   

Then came the summer of Gotye. And she knew, it was time.

Fully realizing that the summer of 2012 should not, and could not, be dictated by people propagating, “an addiction to a certain kind of sadness,” Jepson unleashed upon the world, “Call Me Maybe” to erase humanity’s memory of some dude being sad because he broke up with some girl and she ignored him (which I’ve never known to actually happen in real life, but I digress).

The place was America. The time was now. “Call Me Maybe” burned across continental 48 states. Suddenly everyone had notions of finding their physical descriptions on Craigslist’s missed connections. That someone like Jepson would meet them at a church event and would wait helplessly by the phone for their communication. 

The summer of Gotye had ended, the summer of Jepson had begun.

On surface level, the song seems to be about a formerly reticent woman who finally meets a man worthy of being pursued. However, one aspect of great works of art is that they are open to numerous interpretations, and I, after countless hours of listening, have decided to interpret “Call Me Maybe” through the lens of an evangelical Christian. Below my interpretation of “Call Me Maybe.”

I threw a wish in the well,

(Prayer? Possibly)

Don't ask me, I'll never tell

(We will never know)

I looked to you as it fell,

And now you're in my way

I'd trade my soul for a wish,

(uh-oh)

Pennies and dimes for a kiss

(allusion to Judas in the Garden?)

I wasn't looking for this,

But now you're in my way

(Ok probably not)

Your stare was holdin',

(Avarice)

Ripped jeans, skin was showin'

(Lust)

Hot night, wind was blowin'

(?)

Where you think you're going, baby?

(Anger)

Chorus:

Hey, I just met you,

And this is crazy,

But here's my number,

So call me, maybe?

It's hard to look right,

At you baby,

(Moses on Mount Sinai?  Maybe?)

But here's my number,

(Ten Commandments?)

So call me, maybe?

Hey, I just met you,

And this is crazy,

But here's my number,

So call me, maybe?

And all the other boys,

Try to chase me,

But here's my number,

So call me, maybe?

(Ok I’ve been looking at the chorus for hours and I got nothing.  Absolutely nothing.  I was going to go with something about witnessing to people and how we should be as adamant about telling people about Jesus as Jepson is about getting this yahoo to call her, but that’s stretching it.  Has she never heard of texting? I also originally thought this chorus was Jepson singing to Jesus, which I will explain below.)

You took your time with the call,

I took no time with the fall

(Obvious allusion to the Adam, Eve and the Garden)

You gave me nothing at all,

But still, you're in my way

(Where is she going?)

I beg, and borrow and steal

Have foresight and it's real

Ok. Let’s just stop for a second.  Every time I hear this verse I hear “I know that Satan is real.” Which originally led me to believe that this was a song about something deeper than hooking up and she was singing to Jesus in the chorus.  I realize that this interpretation makes no sense, but that’s what I thought the first ten times I heard it.  The actual lyric is “At first sight it was real” but if you listen to the song it sounds nothing like that.  The person who wrote these lyrics thinks Jepson is braying “Have Foreseight and it’s real” which makes even less sense then this song being about Jesus, but I don’t blame the person who wrote these out, because the lyric sounds nothing like what it actually is.

I didn't know I would feel it,

But it's in my way

BTW.  What in the heck is it?  She keeps bringing it up. And where is she going?  

Chorus

Before you came into my life

I missed you so bad

I missed you so bad

I missed you so, so bad

Huh?

Before you came into my life

I missed you so bad

And you should know that

I missed you so, so bad

How is that possible?

Chorus

Before you came into my life

I missed you so bad

I missed you so bad

I missed you so, so bad

Before you came into my life

I missed you so bad

And you should know that

So call me, maybe?

*technically Canada

Jonathan Harrison is also technically Canadian and was a 4th grade classmate of a young Ms. Jepsen, which seems difficult to believe because she is so much younger than him, but he totally promises it's true.  Why would he make that up?  Seriously?!?  When he isn't reflecting on the Norse demi-goddess he runs a Yanni fan club at driedhumor.wordpress.com .