by Charity Erickson
Now as they were traveling along, Jesus entered a gentrified warehouse district and a wellness blogger named Martha welcomed Him into her farmhouse-inspired loft.
She had a sister named Mary who was seated on the floor beside a reclaimed barnwood coffee table, near the Lord’s feet, listening to His word and fiddling with the doily she was crocheting.
But Martha was distracted with all her preparations: looking for the harem pants that matched her jaunty hat, serving a round of home-fermented probiotic drinks, and resetting the shutter speed on her camera. And she came up to Him and said, “Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to literally serve the kombucha alone? Then tell her to help me.”
But the Lord swirled the kombucha in his glass as he peered moodily over His Bonhoeffer glasses and said --
“Wait, Lord!” said Martha, “Let me see if I can catch that light.” And she did take a picture. “I think I got it?”
“Martha, Martha,” Jesus said, “you are worried and bothered about many things, but only one thing is necessary. A high-contrast filter.”
Jesus sipped his fizzy drink and continued. “Truly I say to you -- did you know that wine and kombucha have basically the same alcohol content?”
Mary looked up from her hook and yarn. “You know, I think I read that somewhere, too.”
-- Luke 10:38-42, JFTTTV (Jokes From 2010 Version)
Charity Erickson and her husband live and work together in the north woods of Minnesota. Check out her blog for more of her writing and follow her on Twitter @ecumystic.
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by Ben Moore
Never before have the home countries of two living popes played each other in a World Cup Final. Of course, never before have two popes been alive for a World Cup Final. This obviously means something. In the tradition of end times prognosticators making wild predictions based on barely intelligible evidence let’s assume we can use this serendipitous moment to divine the future.
By looking at the styles of the two popes throughout their careers as priests, bishops, cardinals and pope, we can extrapolate how they would play on the field and, ultimately, who will win the World Cup. This assumes, of course, that a nation’s soccer team takes on the character of its leading religious figure, but I think we can call that a given. Trust me, I’m a Master of Divinity and watch a lot of soccer.
GERMANY (POPE BENEDICT XVI)
Let’s start with Pope Benedict XVI. Benedict’s career was spent primarily in the ivory towers of academia. His election as cardinal, in 1977, followed a long and noted career as a professor. Pope Benedict’s writings and decisions have been based more in ideology, and, though widely viewed as a conservative and defender of tradition, Benedict started his career as a reformer. In response to riots and anti-authoritarian views of many reformers in Europe, Benedict seems to have turned from a pursuer of gradual reform to a defender of doctrine and institution. Translated onto the soccer field, Benedict’s style would result in a team with a strict style of play from which they will rarely deviate, but also a team with the power to defend against threats with impunity. As the one time leader of the modern Catholic Inquisition his team will be all about playing offense by pushing hard on defense. Precise set pieces, counter-attacks, and really tall guys playing in central defense are the modus operandi of a Pope Benedict XVI infused German team.
ARGENTINA (POPE FRANCIS)
Pope Francis’ career was primarily spent doing pastoral work and handling the stresses and every day problems of the real world. As a priest during Argentina’s “Dirty War” Francis often had to make hard decisions without much time to think. His beliefs, more often than not, were either found through accepted doctrine or formed in the crucible of the crisis of the moment. This has made Francis simultaneously traditionalist, though without Benedict’s deep need to defend tradition, and inventive. This has also helped foster an interest in the importance of the little things and Francis has been celebrated for his concern for the least of these. A team based on Pope Francis would likely be very process oriented, but would also play with a lot of flair and originality. They would look to have their own take on the beautiful game, full of flair and life. On the other hand, while their defense might appear wobbly at times, they would respond will in the crisis moments of the other team’s attack.
PREDICTION
It can, and certainly has been, argued that Francis’ views and actions as Pope are a real-life example of Jesus. Many will hold him up against Benedict XVI and point out that Francis’ concern for the least of these, and distaste for the things of wealth and power, prove that he is doing a better job of leading Church toward Jesus. Jesus certainly did not seem interested in things like power, money, or how opulent the temple looked. He was more interested in the poor, the children, the outcast, and the sick. However, the question of the World Cup is not one of eschatology, or soteriology, or Christology. When it comes down to fundamentals, Jesus was not very good at winning. In fact, Jesus seemed to think that losing was winning, which is not the traditional attitude of a winner. And while that may be great for our faith, it’s not very good on the scoreboard. There is only one conclusion: Germany’s crushing of Brazil was only a portent of the wrath with which they will dismantle Argentina. May God have mercy on their souls.
Unless, of course, the German team resigns before the game’s over.
Ben Moore is a person. He is also Ben Howard's doppelganger. You can
follow him on Twitter @untamedpastor.
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by JaneAnn Kenney
Warning: Historical inaccuracies and possible anachronisms. The writer didn’t feel like doing any fact checking as it would have inhibited her creative process.
The subject of domesticated felines (for the purposes of this essay, hereafter called “cats” with wavering regularity) is suspiciously lacking in the Jewish and Christian canons. The casual reader might assume nothing of this oversight, not even bothering to note the glaring nature of their absence. This person would not question why David did not offer Michal a cat after he snubbed her, or alternatively why no Persian breeds came strutting back with Judah from the exile. Were there mice in the stable where Jesus was born? The world will never know, because we do not have any sources to tell us if there were any mousing cats lazing about.
A plot far more sinister and nefarious emerges when we consider the great lengths that certain cat-hating scholars have gone to in order to undermine the Imago Cattī in scripture. Admittedly, there are texts that seem to confirm their bias as one considers the facts of the exodus and subsequent exiles. Fact: Israel was Yahweh’s special nation and Egypt was not. Fact: Egyptians worshipped cats. Fact: cats did, in fact, feel entitled to said worship (as many still do, even to this day). Thus it follows, if not logically then at least tangentially, that Israel chose not to own cats because to own cats would be to worship cats and so to adopt the customs of their Egyptian slave drivers, who are portrayed in Exodus as being not so very kind.
Cats are not gods; there is no evidence to suggest that they were at any time genuine deities. Indeed, among all the various diatribes leveled against the deities of surrounding cultures, whether condemnation for offering children to Molech or offering cakes to Ishtar, Queen of Heaven, not once does God seem to have sent a prophet to counter a false prophet of cats. And there is no commandment within the priestly laws that would restrict cat ownership among the people.
Consider, however, what God told Moses on Mt. Sinai: “You shall not make for yourself a carved image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. You shall not bow down to them or serve them, for I the LORD your God am a jealous God” (Yahweh qtd. Exod. 20:4-5, ESV). Cats may not have been actual gods, but like icons and idols, they were images of what was assumed to be sacred, at least in Egypt. Because Israel wanted Yahweh to be faithful to the covenant he had struck with them, they were at least silent on the matter of cat ownership.
The question, then, becomes one of arguments from silence. Some say the Bible is silent on the matter of cat ownership, presumably because Israel understood based on experience in Egypt that such ownership would be tantamount to abandoning faith in the one true God. Others point out that the Bible also never expressly forbids the ownership of domesticated felines. We find ourselves at an impasse.
A new perspective here can help clear up the matter of cat ownership. On the subject of larger animals—lions, say—we can find some conflicting information which might help explain how Christians today can assume the right to own such creatures.
In 1 Samuel, David brags about having killed lions in his days as a shepherd. He did this because they were thieving sheep from him, possibly in cahoots with the bears: “Your servant used to keep sheep for his father. And when there came a lion, or a bear, and took a lamb from the flock, I went after him and struck him and delivered it out of his mouth. And if he arose against me, I caught him by his beard and struck him and killed him. Your servant has struck down both lions and bears” (David qtd. 1 Sam. 14:34-36, ESV). These lions (and their shaggier counterparts) were, pure and simple, enemies of both God and man.
The picture gets more complicated in 2 Kings. The Assyrians had displaced the people of northern Israel and settled foreigners in their homes. However, those new residents neither knew nor worshiped God. “Therefore the LORD sent lions among them, which killed some of them” (Anonymous, 2 Kings 17:25, ESV). The Assyrian king rightly understood that the problem was with the local God (although he would not have known to capitalize his appellation) and so he sent priests to teach the people how to be rid of the lions, acknowledging that the God of the land had sent them in judgment. Thus these lions were doing God’s bidding, punishing those people who lived in the Promised Land with no concern for the covenant.
The final piece of evidence I feel like considering is the image of Jesus as “the Lion of the tribe of Judah” (Elder qtd. Rev. 5:5, ESV). This alone should be enough to redeem at least large cats in God’s kingdom plans. If Jesus is a lion, then lions de facto cannot be evil. Given that lions and domesticate housecats of all breeds come from the same…genus? phylum? (someone in biology help me) it follows that cats are also redeemed by the Jesus-lion analog.
Thus we have Christ to thank for the freedom to choose whether or not to own cats today. At the Red Sea, Yahweh delivered the people from the death that awaited them as slaves in Egypt; at the cross, Jesus delivered a multitudes from the death that awaited us as slaves to sin. Just as all things are being made new, so too our relationship with cats is also being renewed. No more must we worry that speaking in higher pitched voices will be considered worship, nor that feeding them scraps from the table will be seen as a guilt sacrifice. Giving our sweet kitties preferential seating is not a mark of religious devotion, but one of wisdom and hospitality. Our cats keep us humble, and without humility we are shall not enter the kingdom of God. So then, as we go forth, let us remember to spay and neuter, for in so doing so we show ourselves good stewards in the household of God, a household that certainly owns a cat or two.
You can ask JaneAnn about: Nashville, theology, cats. Baseball. Glacial
rivers. Her stance on the color purple, and then again the existence of
the word "purple." General frivolity and terrible music (for the
DANCING!!). Old Stephen King novels, time zones, and toll roads in
Oklahoma. She will not, however, answer any questions about that thing
living in her fridge. You can follow her on Twitter @JAKof3Ts.
You can follow On Pop Theology on Twitter @OnPopTheology or like us on Facebook at www.facebook.com/OnPopTheology. If you'd like to support what we do, you can donate via the button on the right of the screen.
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by Charity Erickson
My last On Pop Theology piece explored the newest addition to the McConaissance oeuvre, the seriously serious HBO show True Detective, and its struggle to say anything really meaningful about…anything. I received a small amount of (mostly warranted) pushback on social media, but there was one comment that simply went beyond the pale. One comment that bothered me to my very core. I was told that if I couldn’t handle the “weighty themes” of True Detective, that I should just go watch Parks and Recreation.
This pisses me off. Not so much for the condescension (for which the commenter apologized), but for their gross misreading of Parks and Recreation. Because under the bucolic facade of Pawnee, Indiana and Leslie Knope’s fiercely optimistic pursuit of parks excellence, we find a desperate world of thwarted desire, corruption, the futile pursuit of hopeless causes--and Aubrey Plaza’s lifeless eyes. This show is some twisted, messed up shit.
If you dare to plunge into the dark and debauched world of Parks and Recreation, here are ten episodes to highlight the show’s nihilistic despair:
1. Rock Show – Season 1, Episode 6
Hapless troubadour Andy expounds upon the ultimate brokenness of the human condition, setting the doctrine of original sin to music in his song “The Pit:” “The pit/I fell into the pit/You fell into the pit/We all fell into the pit.” Look upon this work ye mortals and despair!
2. Pawnee Zoo – Season 2, Episode 1
Leslie Knope comes under fire for performing the wedding of two gay penguins and highlights the conspiracy of control surrounding institutionalized religion. How can a belief system based on love separate one penguin from the mate of his (and the zoo’s) choosing?
3. The Stakeout – Season 2, Episode 2
Has there ever been a greater miscarriage of justice than the racial profiling of Tom Haverford? And by a government employee no less. For shame!
4. Sweetums – Season 2, Episode 15
As Leslie attempts to introduce healthy snacks to Pawnee concession stands, this episode focuses on the issue of theodicy by asking us: “If sugar is so bad for us, how come Jesus made it taste so good?”
5. Galentines Day – Season 2, Episode 16
You will fall in love with Chris Pratt. You will develop an agonizing and unattainable crush, and it will be emotionally debilitating. If you have never before actualized the total experience of human suffering, this will do it for you.
Except for that, this episode affirms all that is true and beautiful in the world. Sorry. I really do try to be a hateful cynic but sometimes I just can’t deny the weepy feels that rise up from the very core of my soul. Oh god. *sniffle* I just hope he’s happy. *sob*
6. The Fight – Season 3, Episode 14
This is where things get real. This episode is raw and risky; never before on television have we seen something so honest and viscerally disturbing as the hangover everyone suffers the morning after imbibing Tom Haverford’s Kahlua-style liqueur, Snake Juice.
This drunken, debased romp achieves its Sodomesque pinnacle when the manliest man of all, Ron Swanson, is shown strutting his stuff while wearing a woman’s hat--a hat extravagantly embroidered with gaudy, retro beading, no less. God will judge!
7. Li’l Sebastian – Season 3, Episode 16
“Who are we? Where are we going in life? What is the meaning of all of this? These are questions that Li’l Sebastien never had to answer. Because he was a horse.” Enough said.
8. End of the World – Season 4, Episode 6
Armageddon is nigh! And how do the godless citizens of Pawnee respond? With lavish parties and the scandalous playing of flutes. Over the course of the episode, characters deal with regret, disappointment, and the cold and ever-near embrace of death.
It is my favorite episode of the series.
9. Ben’s Parents – Season 5, Episode 6
The beautiful Rob Lowe cries for twenty-one minutes. For part of that time, he is also eating shrimp cocktail. What devilish monsters would do this to Rob Lowe?!
10. Ann and Chris – Season 6, Episode 12
Nothing gold can stay, folks. Nothing gold can stay. *a single tear*
Charity Erickson and her husband live and work together in the north woods of Minnesota. Check out her blog for more of her writing and follow her on Twitter @CharityJill.
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by Lyndsey Graves
Here follows a list of things real people have literally said to me upon learning that I study theology, in order from most to least common (including for each an itemization of my internal reactions):
Oh, so you know a lot about rocks and stuff?
THhhhhhhhhh… AND now I’ve spit on you.
Wow, I really don’t know much about that.
Wait, were you thinking I was going to give you a test? Are you secretly planning to give me a test on law/medicine/construction later? Or are you asking me to tell you about theology? I can tell you about theology. It’s not so much about what you “know”, per se….
That’s very cool! What do you think about [topic that is absurdly general, obscure, or controversial]?
This is a trap! ABORT!!
Oh, well, I’m Catholic/Jewish/not religious, so...
So… what? So we can’t be friends? Please tell me we can be friends even though you perceive me to be useless to you.
Also, I don’t have a pet, but if someone told me they were a veterinarian, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t say, “Oh, well, I don’t have any pets, so…” Seriously, what does “so” mean?
*They begin backing away slowly, either conversationally, or even worse, literally.*
I’m sorry! I’m so sorry, it’s just that you asked and I WON’T HURT YOU, I PROMISE!
But why would you do that?
The hint of confused betrayal I see around your eyes tells me that you believe it’s self-evident that women can’t be pastors. But for all you know, I could be studying for my own edification while I’m waiting for the cookies to come out of the oven! So, you see, it’s kind of a rude question.
You know, I believe in God, but I also believe in science. And I just think religion has done a lot of damage to people’s lives over the years. I mean, people should be allowed to believe what they want; everyone doesn’t have to think the same thing or believe the same way, so I get upset when people try to make other people believe what they believe. We have a lot of problems in this world without people inventing religious problems and starting religious wars…[etc]…[etc]… I expect we will colonize the moon in the next few decades….
igh-hughhh… errrrrrrr……ah sheuuuuuuh…..o kaa……………………………………
[Um, you are a more interesting dental hygienist than most.]
For a few weeks I thought I’d just say I studied “ethics” (because I do), thinking it would be a more neutral subject than “God”. This was false. There were only three reactions to “ethics”:
*Long explanation of personal philosophy of near-complete moral relativism, followed by smug or dismissive look*
Wow, your argument just invalidated my entire field of study. I will need to be excused now to go look for a new one.
*Immediate, apparently uncontrollable confession of recent minor unethical decision or activity *
1. Wait, did I accidentally say therapist?
2. Has someone given people the impression that ethicists are also highly skilled in detective work, that we will discover what you have done, so this will all be easier if you just start talking now?
3. Um… are you testing me? Do I look like a judgey person?
* They begin running away at full speed, either conversationally, or even worse, literally.*
Come back! I’m so curious. I won’t judge you. WHAT DID YOU DO?!??
Next time someone asks what I study, I’ll probably say something uncontroversial, like “The Bible,” “Religion,” or better yet, “Your Mom”.
Lyndsey
lives in Boston, MA where she is pursuing her Master's in Theological
Studies at Boston University. She enjoys Community, Mad Men and Beauty
and the Beast and her spirit animal is a sloth. She would like to know
if this is some kind of interactive theater art piece. You can follow her on Twitter @lyndseygraves and you can find more of her writing at her blog To Be Honest.
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by Ben Howard and Sebastian Faust
There's
a lot of misinformation in the world today. Some argue that's simply
the nature of the internet and the democratization of information
itself. A lot of websites exist to fight the good fight in an attempt to
right these factual wrongs and a well-informed public is thankful for
them.
But we're not one of those websites. So with the fundamental ethos of the
internet in mind, we bring you A Series of Outright Lies About the Eucharist.
1) In a brilliant act of product placement, Thomas Bramwell Welch, founder of Welch’s, built a time machine which he used to travel back to the Last Supper where he replaced the traditional Passover wine with his family’s anachronistic grape juice.
2) Communion wafers are not only a delicious way to ingest your savior, they are also perfect ammunition for the Nerf Disc Gun.
3) The Eucharist was moved to the end of liturgical services after church leaders received numerous complaints from parishioners about drunk priests delivering homilies where they repeatedly pointed at the cross while slurring, “That guy, I love that guy!”
4) Communion wafers are called the Bread of Heaven because Heaven has instituted heavy trade restrictions on both yeast and any kind of flour that would make bread taste “not-cardboardy.”
5) There is absolutely no connection between the Eucharist’s focus on consuming the blood of Christ and the modern fascination with vampires so STOP ASKING QUESTIONS!
6) According to the Dictionary of Nebulous Theological Terms, intinction is defined as the sprinkling of fairy dust into Eucharistic wine. It's generally held to be salvific, but no one is quite sure how. Also, fairies are real, deal with it.
7) Jesus may have been able to turn water into wine, but if you get a little bit of salsa, I’ll bet you can turn communion wafers into nachos.
8) If ever a drop of the Eucharistic wine is spilled from the chalice, Zombie Christ will arise, a 20 foot tall colossus, and he will turn his darkened visage upon the culprit and bring down the heat of a hundred suns as retribution for disturbing his peaceful slumber. Then he will turn his vengeance upon the world and he will reign forever and ever amen! Muahahahahaha!
9) The secret of transubstantiation, like all good magic tricks, will never be revealed. But it almost certainly has something to do with mirrors.
10) In a stunning announcement that rocked the dietary world, theologians have discovered that the true means of grace in the Eucharist is the gluten contained within the wafers. According to Dr. James Moss of Duke Divinity School, “not only is gluten delicious, it is also divine.”
Image via Jonathunder
Ben
Howard is an accidental iconoclast and generally curious individual
living in Nashville, Tennessee. He is also the editor-in-chief of On Pop
Theology and an avid fan of waving at strangers for no reason. You can
follow him on Twitter @BenHoward87.
Sebastian Faust is an avowed heretic, armchair theologian, and
a self-styled canary in the coal mine of pop culture. He takes life by
the reins, bulls by the horns, and tigers by the tail, all while living
in Nashville. You can't follow Sebastian on Twitter because he doesn't
understand technology.
You can follow On Pop Theology on Twitter @OnPopTheology or like us on Facebook at www.facebook.com/OnPopTheology. If you'd like to support what we do, you can donate via the button on the right of the screen.
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by Ben Howard
As the nation gathered for their respective family Christmas celebrations this week, conversations across the country turned to the outspoken comments of a reality television star. Though various family members inevitably took divergent views regarding this celebrity and his opinions, the nation was unanimous in its gratitude to the reality star for facilitating such rational, healthy conversation about a particularly thorny issue.
“Everyone was able to express their thoughts and beliefs maturely and openly,” said Milwaukee resident Ed Flowers, 56. “Just a few weeks ago, I was worried that the Christmas table would be free of nuanced discussions about difficult issues involving politics, religion, race, and sexual orientation, but thankfully a guy with a beard intervened so we could all share our views with each other.”
Sources report that the sheer outlandishness of the comments made by this reality star along with the continued coverage of the situation from both regular media outlets and through social media venues such as Facebook and Twitter, allowed the nation to take a good long look at the way it had been conducting itself at previous family gatherings.
“In the past when I’d gone to visit my family, I would try to hide my opinions and change the subject whenever the topic turned to something touchy,” recalled Julie Harmon, 27, the token liberal member of her conservative Macon, Georgia-based family. “But thankfully this year, I was able to talk about all of my political opinions with my relatives who disagree with me passionately.”
When asked if the constant conversation about controversial political topics detracted from the festive atmosphere, or whether the time would have been better spent strengthening familial bonds, the nation cocked its head to the side, narrowed its eyes, and said, “I don’t understand.”
Ed Flowers, for one, is looking forward to the next round. “I can’t wait for next year, I’m hoping a football player says something about Israel, or maybe a talk show host will talk about income inequality. It’ll be exciting, I’m sure.”
Ben
Howard is an accidental iconoclast and generally curious individual
living in Nashville, Tennessee. He is also the editor-in-chief of On Pop
Theology and an avid fan of waving at strangers for no reason. You can
follow him on Twitter @BenHoward87.
You might also like:
by Ben Howard and Sebastian Faust
There's
a lot of misinformation in the world today. Some argue that's simply
the nature of the internet and the democratization of information
itself. A lot of websites exist to fight the good fight in an attempt to
right these factual wrongs and a well-informed public is thankful for
them.
But we're not one of those websites. So with the fundamental ethos of the
internet in mind, we bring you A Series of Outright Lies About Christmas.
1) Rudolph's glowing nose is the side-effect of the 52 megaton hydrogen bomb that awakened both him and his sworn enemy, Godzilla. Since that day, the two have been locked in mortal combat, a struggle so fierce and terrifying that not even Japanese film dares to depict it.
2) Many of our most cherished Christmas traditions come from the now-lost proto-gnostic Gospel of Kringle. The book includes detailed instructions on how to hang tiny decorative lanterns outside one’s hovel and also prophecies the coming of a great snowy man with a corn cob pipe and a top hat despite none of those things existing in the region of Syria where the author lived.
3) The Salvation Army is nearly ready to undertake the armed revolution it has been plotting for 150 years, funded entirely by individual donations to their bell-ringers around the world.
4) The ancient druids believed that the north pole was actually a sacred site where sits the portal to another realm, a world ruled by a white-bearded deity dressed in red, borne upon a flying chariot pulled by nine immortal stags. This angry god seeks vengeance all, but is unable to enter any home warded by a Fraser fir bedecked with tinsel.
5) Dick
Cheney, long before becoming the most evil man in American history,
made a run at trying to offer the world an alternative to Santa. Despite
making inroads with niche markets who appreciated Cheney's commitment
to Machiavellian plotting over the jovial spirit of St. Nick, Cheney was
forced to abandon his dream to become Vice-President and the right hand
of the Devil.
6) Mrs. Claus has tiny, tiny hands.
7) In 1982, Ebenezer Scrooge of Poughkeepsie, New York filed a lawsuit against the estate of Charles Dickens for defamation of character. He eventually settled out of court for an undisclosed sum and currently resides in a seaside villa on the Pacific coast where he has reported no problems with ghosts whatsoever.
8) Despite the perfect synergy and obvious pun potential, X-Men do not celebrate Xmas.
9) In
response to Al Gore’s 2006 film An Inconvenient Truth, Santa ceased the
distribution of coal to naughty children. Instead, naughty children
received a sternly worded letter in their stockings outraging Christian
political groups who argued that giving coal to children was central to
their expression of faith.
10) Santa does not keep an entire population of little people in subjugation, forcing them to craft toys in squalid conditions and brutally making examples of those that step out of line.
Ben
Howard is an accidental iconoclast and generally curious individual
living in Nashville, Tennessee. He is also the editor-in-chief of On Pop
Theology and an avid fan of waving at strangers for no reason. You can
follow him on Twitter @BenHoward87.
Sebastian Faust is an avowed heretic, armchair theologian, and
a self-styled canary in the coal mine of pop culture. He takes life by
the reins, bulls by the horns, and tigers by the tail, all while living
in Nashville. You can't follow Sebastian on Twitter because he doesn't
understand technology.
You can follow On Pop Theology on Twitter @OnPopTheology or like us on Facebook at www.facebook.com/OnPopTheology. If you'd like to support what we do, you can donate via the button on the right of the screen.
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