by Jonathan Harrison
Every so often, when the proverbial fountain of creativity runs dry, artists will compile a list of "greatest hits". Something that in essence screams, "I HAVE NOTHING TO TALK ABOUT AND HAVEN'T FOR A LONG TIME". But you know what, the Rolling Stones release a new greatest hits every year, and you guys haven't gotten tired of listening to "Wild Horses", so yolo. Yolo!
Thankfully, my creativity will never cease, so instead of throwing in the towel, I've decided to bless you all with an overview of my greatest posts. Look upon my works ye mortals, and despair.
5.P**** Riot. Hate to say it, but everyone's favorite feel good summer social justice fad faded away like so many social justice fads before. The last I heard, Russia's Prime Minister wanted the girls released, which is quite different from actually releasing them, so let's just hope they get out soon if they're not out already.
4. Favorite Memories from My Fundamentalist Christian Beginnings: "In one fell swoop, Mr. Harrison distills all the emotions of the twentieth century, and gives them to us in a sumptuous feast that is both intellectually and spiritually satisfying"--Some Dude (Editor's note: No one).
3. Touched By an Angel, It's Time: SERIOUSLY PEOPLE YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING. NOTHING! WE ARE NO CLOSER TO SAVING RANDY TRAVIS'S SOUL FOUR MONTHS AGO THAN WE ARE NOW. WHAT DO WE HAVE TODAY? THE VOICE. THE VOICE IS DOING NOTHING FOR RANDY TRAVIS. NOTHING!
2. God Loves Honey Boo Boo Too: Seeing the trailer for Honey Boo Boo started the tailspin. The sudden stop will be when Boo Boo grows up from her white trash surroundings, finds class, and is gentrified by fame. Boo Boo will become the 2030's answer to the Lohan/Spears/Bynes-style celebri-monsters that can't just buy big houses in the middle of nowhere and dissapear like normal people. She will be our children's Marilyn. Write it down.
1.Evangelical Interpretationn of Call Me Maybe: At my new job, my office mate listens to mix radio. This song comes on 15 times a day. I see it as Divine punishment for trying to force theology on a pop song. But it was good post, and it was probably my favorite until now.
When Jonathan isn't patting himself on the back for the things he's written before, he's enjoying a tasty sub sandwich from Subway. Subway:Taste Fresh. (not a sponsor) You can follow Jonathan on Twitter @jonateharrison or you can just follow him around in real life.
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by Jonathan [last name redacted]
By now you might heard of wonderful band P***y Riot who make benefit the great nation of Soviet Russia by playing famous place in glorious Moscow to the delight of passerby and many children.
Ok. I can't keep up the mildly offensive Russian ESL vernacular for longer than one sentence. P Riot. Yes, the band P Riot. P Riot technically call themselves something else, but unlike most of you I'm searching for gainful employment, so I don't want to end all chances of being hired by screaming the word "P***Y" because a bunch Muscovites got themselves arrested (Ben. Don't use my last name on this).
Well anyways. The social-outrage-flavor-of-the-month involves a group of women who put on an anti-Putin impromptu performance in a Russian Orthodox church. The outrage stems from the fact that the one minute performance garnered three of the women a two year prison sentence for hooliganism. Most people think that's a little extreme, and a lot of evidence points to Orthodox church politics being responsible for the excessive sentence (you know, the very thing the ladies were protesting).
The church performance marked the fourth time that the band had performed an anti-government song in a very public venue. I don't agree with the sentence, but after publicly performing three anti-government songs in a formerly communist country, and then performing a fourth profanity-laced one in a revered church of the state religion, who doesn't expect an excessive sentence? Especially with the Olympics coming up in 16 months (don't act like the Olympics had nothing to do with the length of the sentencing).
While the Patriarch of Russia condemned the band with some pretty strong words ("We have no future if we allow mockery in front of great shrines, and if some see such mockery as a sort of bravery, an expression of political protest, an acceptable action or a harmless joke."), the Russian Orthodox Church released a statement on August 17 urging the Russian government to show the women mercy (granted, it came well after the issue had gone global).
Reflect on the irony that this all began 2000 years ago with a man ticking off religious authority figures so much that the government put him to death for it. Ahh the irony. I can't imagine what Jesus would say to all of this. Bands with offensive names, Vladimir Putin, a one minute song in a church sending the entire world (and Sting) into an uproar. Why can't we all get along? Why can't the band practice first and then play in a normal venue like everyone else? Forgive and you will be forgiven? Judge not lest you be judged? Pray for your enemies and those who persecute you? Probably one of the above. But I don't know for sure. I'm not Jesus.
Jonathan is. He just is.
