by Ben Howard and Sebastian Faust
There's
a lot of misinformation in the world today. Some argue that's simply
the nature of the internet and the democratization of information
itself. A lot of websites exist to fight the good fight in an attempt to
right these factual wrongs and a well-informed public is thankful for
them.
But we're not one of those websites. So with the fundamental ethos of the
internet in mind, we bring you A Series of Outright Lies About Millennials.
1) The mascot of the millennial generation is an ocelot named Baby Joshua who spends his days half drunk on artisinal whiskey. He lives on a front porch on what used to be the bad side of town and he marches in the annual Arbor Day parade.
2) The Tea Party rise to power is actually attributable to the votes of millennials who thought they were “just kidding around.”
3) All children of the millennial generation are robots sent from the future by Skynet. After the failure of the Terminators, Skynet decided that force was unnecessary and that society could be more efficiently destroyed by ennui and lowered expectations.
4) This list is completely organic and was raised on a free-range list farm.
5) Millennials ironically love Pauly Shore so much that it has been known to raise his core body temperature as much as two degrees.
6) If you're a millennial, you read this list before it ever existed in my mind and have therefore destroyed the fabric of space and time and pose a danger to us all. Please stop reading.
7) Why are you still reading this? Your reckless disregard for humanity has doomed us all to non-existence.
8) You prick.
9) A majority of millennials are cynical about the potential future of the world. When asked about this cynicism, the generation responded that they were both fully aware of the problems and felt like they were capable of solutions, but they were just really tired and had been meaning to catch up on Orange Is The New Black.
10) The real reason that millennials have been leaving the church is because empty churches are just, like, you know, cooler.
11) While this list was raised in an upper middle class environment, it speaks on behalf of the entire generation. It is capable of this feat because it once took a women's studies class and has watched The Wire at least three times.
12) Many researchers have speculated that if Zack Galifianakis were to ever achieve full self-awareness he would unlock the understanding of the entire generation. May the day come quickly. Namaste.
13) In the two minutes you've spent reading this list, 144 craft beers have been invented and that one smug friend of yours has tasted all of them.
14) In a unique moment of cultural appropriation, the demographic group known as the Nones have decided to don habits and live in convents. There is no word on whether or not they have begun to hit each other with rulers.
Ben
Howard is an accidental iconoclast and generally curious individual
living in Nashville, Tennessee. He is also the editor-in-chief of On Pop
Theology and an avid fan of waving at strangers for no reason. You can
follow him on Twitter @BenHoward87.
Sebastian Faust is an avowed heretic, armchair theologian, and
a self-styled canary in the coal mine of pop culture. He takes life by
the reins, bulls by the horns, and tigers by the tail, all while living
in Nashville. You can't follow Sebastian on Twitter because he doesn't
understand technology.
You can follow On Pop Theology on Twitter @OnPopTheology or like us on Facebook at www.facebook.com/OnPopTheology. If you'd like to support what we do, you can donate via the button on the right of the screen.
Image Credit to Mark and Andrea Busse
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by Ben Howard and Sebastian Faust
There's
a lot of misinformation in the world today. Some argue that's simply
the nature of the internet and the democratization of information
itself. A lot of websites exist to fight the good fight in an attempt to
right these factual wrongs and a well-informed public is thankful for
them.
But we're not one of those websites. So with the fundamental ethos of the
internet in mind, we bring you A Series of Outright Lies About the Eucharist.
1) In a brilliant act of product placement, Thomas Bramwell Welch, founder of Welch’s, built a time machine which he used to travel back to the Last Supper where he replaced the traditional Passover wine with his family’s anachronistic grape juice.
2) Communion wafers are not only a delicious way to ingest your savior, they are also perfect ammunition for the Nerf Disc Gun.
3) The Eucharist was moved to the end of liturgical services after church leaders received numerous complaints from parishioners about drunk priests delivering homilies where they repeatedly pointed at the cross while slurring, “That guy, I love that guy!”
4) Communion wafers are called the Bread of Heaven because Heaven has instituted heavy trade restrictions on both yeast and any kind of flour that would make bread taste “not-cardboardy.”
5) There is absolutely no connection between the Eucharist’s focus on consuming the blood of Christ and the modern fascination with vampires so STOP ASKING QUESTIONS!
6) According to the Dictionary of Nebulous Theological Terms, intinction is defined as the sprinkling of fairy dust into Eucharistic wine. It's generally held to be salvific, but no one is quite sure how. Also, fairies are real, deal with it.
7) Jesus may have been able to turn water into wine, but if you get a little bit of salsa, I’ll bet you can turn communion wafers into nachos.
8) If ever a drop of the Eucharistic wine is spilled from the chalice, Zombie Christ will arise, a 20 foot tall colossus, and he will turn his darkened visage upon the culprit and bring down the heat of a hundred suns as retribution for disturbing his peaceful slumber. Then he will turn his vengeance upon the world and he will reign forever and ever amen! Muahahahahaha!
9) The secret of transubstantiation, like all good magic tricks, will never be revealed. But it almost certainly has something to do with mirrors.
10) In a stunning announcement that rocked the dietary world, theologians have discovered that the true means of grace in the Eucharist is the gluten contained within the wafers. According to Dr. James Moss of Duke Divinity School, “not only is gluten delicious, it is also divine.”
Image via Jonathunder
Ben
Howard is an accidental iconoclast and generally curious individual
living in Nashville, Tennessee. He is also the editor-in-chief of On Pop
Theology and an avid fan of waving at strangers for no reason. You can
follow him on Twitter @BenHoward87.
Sebastian Faust is an avowed heretic, armchair theologian, and
a self-styled canary in the coal mine of pop culture. He takes life by
the reins, bulls by the horns, and tigers by the tail, all while living
in Nashville. You can't follow Sebastian on Twitter because he doesn't
understand technology.
You can follow On Pop Theology on Twitter @OnPopTheology or like us on Facebook at www.facebook.com/OnPopTheology. If you'd like to support what we do, you can donate via the button on the right of the screen.
You might also like:
by Ben Howard and Sebastian Faust
There's
a lot of misinformation in the world today. Some argue that's simply
the nature of the internet and the democratization of information
itself. A lot of websites exist to fight the good fight in an attempt to
right these factual wrongs and a well-informed public is thankful for
them.
But we're not one of those websites. So with the fundamental ethos of the
internet in mind, we bring you A Series of Outright Lies About Christmas.
1) Rudolph's glowing nose is the side-effect of the 52 megaton hydrogen bomb that awakened both him and his sworn enemy, Godzilla. Since that day, the two have been locked in mortal combat, a struggle so fierce and terrifying that not even Japanese film dares to depict it.
2) Many of our most cherished Christmas traditions come from the now-lost proto-gnostic Gospel of Kringle. The book includes detailed instructions on how to hang tiny decorative lanterns outside one’s hovel and also prophecies the coming of a great snowy man with a corn cob pipe and a top hat despite none of those things existing in the region of Syria where the author lived.
3) The Salvation Army is nearly ready to undertake the armed revolution it has been plotting for 150 years, funded entirely by individual donations to their bell-ringers around the world.
4) The ancient druids believed that the north pole was actually a sacred site where sits the portal to another realm, a world ruled by a white-bearded deity dressed in red, borne upon a flying chariot pulled by nine immortal stags. This angry god seeks vengeance all, but is unable to enter any home warded by a Fraser fir bedecked with tinsel.
5) Dick
Cheney, long before becoming the most evil man in American history,
made a run at trying to offer the world an alternative to Santa. Despite
making inroads with niche markets who appreciated Cheney's commitment
to Machiavellian plotting over the jovial spirit of St. Nick, Cheney was
forced to abandon his dream to become Vice-President and the right hand
of the Devil.
6) Mrs. Claus has tiny, tiny hands.
7) In 1982, Ebenezer Scrooge of Poughkeepsie, New York filed a lawsuit against the estate of Charles Dickens for defamation of character. He eventually settled out of court for an undisclosed sum and currently resides in a seaside villa on the Pacific coast where he has reported no problems with ghosts whatsoever.
8) Despite the perfect synergy and obvious pun potential, X-Men do not celebrate Xmas.
9) In
response to Al Gore’s 2006 film An Inconvenient Truth, Santa ceased the
distribution of coal to naughty children. Instead, naughty children
received a sternly worded letter in their stockings outraging Christian
political groups who argued that giving coal to children was central to
their expression of faith.
10) Santa does not keep an entire population of little people in subjugation, forcing them to craft toys in squalid conditions and brutally making examples of those that step out of line.
Ben
Howard is an accidental iconoclast and generally curious individual
living in Nashville, Tennessee. He is also the editor-in-chief of On Pop
Theology and an avid fan of waving at strangers for no reason. You can
follow him on Twitter @BenHoward87.
Sebastian Faust is an avowed heretic, armchair theologian, and
a self-styled canary in the coal mine of pop culture. He takes life by
the reins, bulls by the horns, and tigers by the tail, all while living
in Nashville. You can't follow Sebastian on Twitter because he doesn't
understand technology.
You can follow On Pop Theology on Twitter @OnPopTheology or like us on Facebook at www.facebook.com/OnPopTheology. If you'd like to support what we do, you can donate via the button on the right of the screen.
You might also like:
by Ben Howard and Sebastian Faust
There's
a lot of misinformation in the world today. Some argue that's simply
the nature of the internet and the democratization of information
itself. A lot of websites exist to fight the good fight in an attempt to
right these factual wrongs and a well-informed public is thankful for
them.
But we're not one of those websites. So with the fundamental ethos of the
internet in mind, we bring you A Series of Outright Lies About Prayer.
1) Prayers are answered in the order they are received. However, legend tells of the magical talisman of St. George, hidden deep in the Sahara Desert, which allows the prayers of the bearer to leap to the front of the line while also bringing a plague of locusts down upon their enemies.
2) Preference to prayer in the syntax of Yoda, God has.
3) Martin Kalabash of Dubuque, Iowa is currently the world's #1 ranked pray-er. He has held the title since January 1, 2004 when his constant and pleading prayers led to a miraculous victory for his beloved Iowa Hawkeyes.
4) God only understands prayers in English. For the rest, he's just guessing.
5) According to economists, the prayer of a righteous man availeth much, while the prayer of a righteous woman availeth 75% as much.
6) Prayer is a non-renewable resource scattered in pockets all across the globe. The largest reserves can be found in Finland, Togo, and a small space-time fissure just outside Park City, Utah.
7) According to time machines, archaeologists in the future have discovered that certain sects of 21st century Christianity held to the notion that their deity was a tricksy and manipulative genie, likely azure in hue. Due to their use of the phrase, "Be careful what you pray for, you just might get it," we see that this deity was a capricious figure who took delight in twisting the words of his petitioners and wreaking havoc on their lives.
8) If you don't pray, God can't see you. He's like a bat.
9) During coitus many are known to utter the phrases "Oh God" or "Oh Jesus." Contrary to popular belief, these are not prayers. God is disappointed in you and thinks sex is "super icky."
10) The creation account in Genesis was actually the result of an accident. God was merely talking to himself and inadvertently answered his own prayer.
Ben
Howard is an accidental iconoclast and generally curious individual
living in Nashville, Tennessee. He is also the editor-in-chief of On Pop
Theology and an avid fan of waving at strangers for no reason. You can
follow him on Twitter @BenHoward87. Sebastian Faust is an avowed heretic, armchair theologian, and
a self-styled canary in the coal mine of pop culture. He takes life by
the reins, bulls by the horns, and tigers by the tail, all while living
in Nashville. You can't follow Sebastian on Twitter because he doesn't
understand technology.
You can follow On Pop Theology on Twitter @OnPopTheology or like us on Facebook at www.facebook.com/OnPopTheology.
You might also like:
by Ben Howard
There's a lot of misinformation in the world today. Some argue that's simply the nature of the internet and the democratization of information itself. A lot of websites exist to fight the good fight and attempt to right these factual wrongs and a well-informed public is thankful for them.
However, we're not one of those websites. So with the fundamental ethos of the internet in mind, we bring you A Series of Outright Lies About the Bible
1) Contrary to popular belief, the best way to absorb the Bible is through osmosis. Try placing a Bible under your pillow at night, or sitting on one during your daily commute.
2) All leather used in the making of leather-bound Bibles comes from a
yearly ritual sacrifice performed on the Isle of Wight by the Knights
Templar. This year Stephen Baldwin officiated at the ceremony and music
was provided by noted jam-band the Spin Doctors.
3) Do not lick the pages of your Bible. Don't ask questions. You've been warned.
4) Various Biblical names translated into English:
- Ananias - to blathe, which is like bluffing in poker
- Timothy - a man named Timothy
- Titus - a vulgar word for shoe
- Thomas - Matthew Broderick
- Jeremiah - in the infinitive form: to sing an endless string of Morissey lyrics
5) All Psalms are written to be sung to the tune of "Tubthumping" by Chumbawumba, but set in a minor key.
6) In 1982 Stephen Sondheim reportedly optioned the rights to the Book of Leviticus for an future musical adaptation. When asked several years later about when the work would debut, Sondheim angrily retorted that the world wasn't ready for his masterpiece and announced that the play would not debut until he was resurrected from cryogenic slumber in April 2312.
7) According to legend, 16th-century French monks believed the genealogies to be the key in finding the elusive Fountain of Youth. But since they're not around today, they look pretty stupid. #Face
8) The Bible 2, a cinematic sequel to the original best-selling book, was released in 1977, but was universally panned by critics for it's unoriginal plotline and poor performances from a young Michelle Pfeiffer and Jim Vatrolta, a well-known John Travolta impersonator. However, Wilford Brimley's portrayal of the Devil served as the inspiration for Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
9) After several instances of wild, rampaging Bibles mauling acolytes during the Byzantine empire, priests began the practice of chaining Bibles to the lectern for their own safety. Many priests were also lauded for their exemplary skills at "Bible whispering".
Peace,
Ben
Ben
Howard is an accidental iconoclast and generally curious individual
living in Nashville, Tennessee. He is also the editor-in-chief of On Pop
Theology and an avid fan of waving at strangers for no reason. You can
follow him on Twitter @BenHoward87.
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